The hubbie and I were lying in bed last night after some great sex, when he turns to me and says, “You get to be a MILF! What’s that make me?”
“What do you want to be?” I replied.
With his usual quick wit, he blurted out, “How about a DILB!”
“DILB?”
“Yea…Daddy I’d Like to Blow!”
I laughed, but now I’m thinking that sounds dirtier than MILF! No fair! Or is it just that we’re all so used to hearing MILF that it’s lost it’s punch?
So I was searching for what the penatly for having sex in a car was and stumbled across this article
Under Guam law it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. Therefore there are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Wow, if I was a guy I would so be applying for that job! How do they pick these guys and do they get paid?
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
Woo, hoo she’s cumming get out the shotguns!
Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
I wonder how this law came about? Soo…it’s okay to have sex in a car as long as nobody’s watching you do it and jacking off? Makes me want to go to Oklahoma just to break this law.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Okay sexist for sure but who thought of having sex in an ambulance. Unless you’re an EMT I’d think the last thing anybody’s thinking about his doin’ it while riding to the hospital! I wonder if somebody called an ambulance just so they could have sex in it. Guess they’re counting on the women to keep the men honest on the way.
In Arizona keeping more than two dildos (adult toys) at home is prohibited.
Oops, arrest me now!
In Massachusetts a woman is not allowed to have the position of “woman on top”, during lovemaking.
Noooooooooooooo, so I guess tying him up while being on top would be a real nono. What about lesbian sex? Guess we just have to lay on our sides the whole time. There goes my Martha’s Vineyard vacation getaway!
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
Remind me to buy a fish in Liverpool sometime.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
Umm, how are they supposed to enfore this one? I’ve heard moose in heat are very dangerous. “Hey you, moose, stop having sex right now and come with me to jail.
(If you haven’t read the comments on the previous post, then do so before reading this one!)
“Where’s the key, you bastard?” I smacked his face hard! “Silver and I have ways of making you talk! You can tell us now and everything can go back to normal, or suffer the consequences!”
(dead silence)
“Alright, that’s how it’s going to be, huh? Silver, where’s your paddle? Maybe if we loosen his ass up a bit, his tongue will follow.”
Silver unleashed a fury of spankings. She began panting and sweating as she tortured him. Still no sound came from his lips.
“God I get hot watching you paddle people!” I said, quite distracted. Recovering myself, I continued. “We need that key, damn it! How are we supposed to sneak into the bachelor pad with no key! You’re thwarting my sex life here! Silver, give him another round!”
With a gleam in her eye, Silver paddled harder and harder, but we still got nothing but dead silence.
“It’s useless, ” she panted. “He’s not going to talk.”
“I guess you’re right. Bring me another gnome. We’ll find one of these fuckers that will talk!”
Bachelor: E, do you know anything about a pair of black, fishnet stockings that mysteriously turned up on my futon?
Me: Hey, you rascal (laughing)…what did you do, forget who you had over last night? Man, I want your life!
Bachelor: I wasn’t home last night. I was working at my mother’s house.
Me: Oh hey, how is your mom anyway?
Bachelor: You’re changing the subject. Did you or did you not sneak in here and leave some black stockings on my futon?
Me: I don’t wear stockings, you know that.
Bachelor: Yes, but you fuck people who wear stockings. These have a huge rip in the crotch, so I’m assuming you very aggressively fuck people who wear stockings. Did you sneak in here and fuck another woman on my futon?
Me: Nope…I haven’t even fucked you on your futon.
Bachelor: Oops, hang on. Mom’s on the other line. Let me put you on hold.
(elevator music)
Bachelor: Ok, I’m back. Mom reminded me about the quilt. Besides the stockings, I also found my quilt in the washer. If you didn’t fuck on the futon, then I’ll take a shrewd quess that you did it on the bed. Did you bring that one who ejaculates over here? OMG, I thought the bed smelled musky last night…I was sleeping in spooge!
Me: Well, technically spooge is male ejaculation fluid. Female fluid would be called…
Bachelor: Pee?
Me: Oh, now you’re just being pissy!
Bachelor: I’m moving the key.
Me: Fine. Do it.
(Mission Impossible music in background.)
“Quick, grab the key before a neighbor sees us!” Silver whispered from behind a bush next to the bachelor pad. I dove out like a pro, rounded the corner, flipped the gnome over, retrieved the key, and was at the front door in a split second. I unlocked the door and then gave her the secret high sign to make a dash inside. I closed the door behind both of us.
“Thank god, we’re in!” I panted.
“Are we going to get in trouble for this?” she asked. “I mean technically we are breaking into his house! Where is he again?”
“Doing baseboard stenciling at his mom’s house. No, have no fear, baby! It’s all cool! I’ve fucked him so many times in the past, he’s not really going to have me arrested for sneaking into his bedroom to fuck my girlfriend. That would be an awful way to thank me for all that fabulous sex!”
“Ok, I’m just saying it’s going to be awfully embarrassing to explain all this to our husbands…from a jail cell!”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic! Come here, you sexy thing, and let me fuck ya!”
(10 minutes later)
“God, E…I thought I told you to shave! My teeth are like fuzzy here! Let’s skip the oral and you just rub your hairy snatch up against mine. K?”
(10 minutes later)
“Mind if I fist you baby?”
“No, you’d better not! You know I always squirt when you do that! We’ll end up making a mess on his beautiful quilt. Did his mom make this?”
“Yes.”
(20 minutes later)
“E! Look what you made me do! There’s cum and fluid all over his mother’s quilt! I told you no fisting!”
“Well, what was I supposed to do, girl! Your pussy just sucks my hand in…I was innocently rubbing you.”
“What are we going to do? We’ve got to hurry! It surely doesn’t take him that long to do stenciling!”
“Hush, let me think! I know! Grab the quilt. Let’s throw it in the washing machine. Maybe he’ll think he put it in there himself and just forgot about it. Grab the key. Let’s go!”
I threw the quilt in the washer, and hit Regular Cycle. I motioned Silver out the door and back to her spot at the bush, then locked the door, shoved the key back up the gnome’s ass, and made my break for the mini-van.
(2 hours later)
Our beloved Bachelor returns home, finds the quilt sitting wet in the washer, and calls his mom to ask her why she hadn’t put it in the dryer. Turns out she had stepped out while he was stenciling her baseboards. As she’s denying everything and telling him he probably put it in the wash himself and just forgot about it, his eyes land on a pair of black, fishnet stockings strung carelessly across the futon.
Okay, I know I promised E that I wouldn’t go by the batchelor pad without her but I just couldn’t resist. I was hanging out at my usual late night writing spot, Waffle Wheels, trying to get ideas for my next novel, when she poured me a cup of coffee. I had admired her so many times, she was so nice. I questioned whether her niceness was just business or something more. I always tipped like 50% whenever she was in there. She even tried really hard to cheer me up after my birthday party that wasn’t.
When her eyes met mine that night I was just too horny from having been deprived of sex with E for a couple weeks. I looked into her dark brown eyes and just adored her long black hair and her cute little nose ring. I smiled really big and asked her when she got off work. She looked suprised and a bit suspicious for a minute but then she told me, “In about an hour.”
“Wanna hang out after that?” I said smoothly.
“Well why the hell not?” she answered.
We walked out to my car and got in. “I like your stockings,” she said with a smile.
I smiled back and locked eyes with her. “I gotta be honest with you, I’ve been admiring you for a long time. My interest is not strictly platonic.”
“Good,” she said. I leaned over to kiss her and it quickly turned passionate.
“I want you so bad,” I breathed, my pussy already tingling with excitement.
“Well I have to confess I live with my mom and she doesn’t know I like girls, so we can’t go there.”
“I know just the place.” I knew the batchelor pad was unoccupied. I led her to the bedroom and lit a candle. She stood before me and I quickly stripped her clothes off. I kissed her breasts and she closed her eyes, sighing loudly. I pushed her down on the bed and showered her thighs with kisses. The smell of her sex pulled me in and I spread her open and buried my face in it. Her body tensed as my mouth engulfed her and my tongue moved between her wet vagina and her stiff clit.
“Yess, right there,” she moaned as I focused my intentions and her hips moved toward me. She moaned loudly as she came and pulled me on top of her. My clothes came off and I pushed my thigh against her as I stradled her. We came together and she rolled me over, taking her turn on me.
I wish you had been there, E but I just couldn’t wait for my waitress!
Ok, so someone just found our site, ladies, by searching for “your hairy snatch rubbing against mine.” Hmmm. It prompted me to hop on Urban Dictionary to look for variant definitions of snatch (I’m a geek that way!), and I found a few entries implying that snatch is perhaps the second foulest way to refer to female genitalia…after cunt, of course. So I’m wondering which word do you guys think sounds fouler…snatch or cunt?
eroticego
silvercloudfire