I have admitted before that I’m addicted to Craig’s List.  Where else can you sell things, buy things, announce things, AND find lovers all in the same place?  And that’s not even tapping into the wonderful human stories that emerge under various section headings.  It’s also a haven for the unusual and extra-ordinary. 

My latest find is a lactating mother offering to sell her extra breast milk.  She claims to be a healthy woman who is just really cranking out the mommy juice and wants the extra to benefit other children.  I found myself laughing over this one, not because breastfeeding or wet nursing are funny, but because CL was her mode of advertising.  

Wet nursing has a very long and honorable history in most cultures; honestly, the fact that it’s not really done much anymore in this country, at least, is further proof of how out of touch we’re getting with all things natural.  What’s comical to me is how many people probably would think her ad gross, and swear that formula is more sanitary.  More sanitary perhaps, but healthier?  No way!

With this in mind, she turned to Craig’s List…where out-of-the-ordinary is more the norm.  I thought about writing her to find out how much she’s charging!  My baby’s all grown and my tits haven’t cranked out anything but powered milk for the last couple of years, but the thought of making money off such a simple human function appeals to my imagination!

Alright, I’ve been joking with my husband about posting up a picture that he made for me last year.  He was at home, and presumably a little bored, while I was moping at work.  I get this e-mail from him with an attached picture of his dick next to a corporate logo…it’s a joke that hopefully all the baristas of the world will get!  I’ve threatened repeatedly to forward it to other people or to post it on my blog.  Soooooo…while giving him a hand job in bed this morning, I decided it was time to unveil this fine specimen of a cock. Take a good look everyone, as he’ll probably make me yank it off later!

Silver and I have been talking about a Hotel Night for a while now, so I finally made the reservations this morning!  Being the big spender that I am, I started off with all the fancy places in town, but alas they required 2-3 night minimums and I was having guilty feelings about messing up antique quilts.  I mean, her and I are REALLY messy fuckers…just ask the Bachelor.

Anyway, I moved down to the Ramadas and Days Inns, but this time location was an issue.  See I wanted something half way for each of us, as we don’t live in the same town.  Plus, I had this coupon for dinner.  She loves McDonald’s, you understand, but I thought something a bit more upscale would be better…and lord knows we can’t do Waffle House anymore after the “incident” with the waitress.  (I personally would have waited to fuck the waitress until we could have agreed on a time and place…but that’s me.)

So to maximize my coupon, I chose a Motel 6 nearby.  The price was right, and I’ve always loved their theme song.  I was a bit nervous about booking a room for one night, just to have sex.  I’ve never done that before, so I was sure everyone would figure out my motives.  I dialed the number, thinking that Tom Bodette’s voice would ease my anxieties, when damn it all if a gay man didn’t answer the phone!  Obviously, I’m just assuming he was gay.

“Tom?”  I asked.

“Excuse me, dear?  You’ve reached Motel 6.  How can I facilitate your travel plans on this glorious day?”  I could tell he showed a lot of gum when he smiled.

“Ummm…well, I need a room.  Just a plain room, non-smoking.”

“How many nights, dear?”

Pause.

“Just one night.  I’m…well…just one night will do.”

“Are you sure?  You don’t sound sure…and I really want you to be sure!”  He laughed through his nose.

Busted!!!!!!  I knew it!  This man just knew that I was married, and planning on soiling as many hotel sheets as possible in a night of wild sex with my girlfriend.  I was determined to make my reservation, though, so I persevered.  After giving me my confirmation number, he offered advice on local dining.

“I’m all set,” I replied.  “I have a coupon.”

Don’t have any professional ass pics but here’s a not so great pic of my tits!

Ok, Silver and I swore we wouldn’t put up pictures, as that would make it hard for our corporate readers to read us during the day   But it’s late and I’m drunk…so here’s my ass!  I recently posed for some nude pictures with my cello.  This one happens to be me in a wig…the cello was taking a break!

You put ads like this on Craigs List, and then chicks like me want to flag it for recategorization in the Personals section!  I can’t decide if I’m more interested in him or his toys!

http://asheville.craigslist.org/tag/895744161.html

I’m stealing this format from Jeff Foxworthy, so “Forgive me, Jeff!”  I actually do this in my head, though, so I figured it was time to put a few of the lines down on virtual paper here.  I’m a geek…a very sexy geek, but a geek none the less.  Most of my friends are geeks.  They’re all very sexy too!  I went for years not realizing that I was a geek, until a very dear friend of mine pointed it out to me.  He said, “Honey, didn’t you know?”  No, I didn’t know.  Sooooo….

You know you’re a sexy geek when…

1)  Conversations to elicit sex include computer terminology.  Ya, I got laid last night with this one: 

Me:  My data needs mined…do you know of anyone who can help me?

Husband:  That’s funny, cause I was just getting ready to run a query!

Me:  Does that require lube?

2)  The Princess Leia and Han Solo costumes bought for Halloween become useful for erotic play.  Yea, Halloween was over a feakin’ month ago, and I’m still wearing that Leia wig for blow jobs…or “bun jobs” as I like to call them.  Seriously, the Leia bun hairdo provides perfect handles for the guy…but I bet George Lucas knows that already!

3)  Conversations to elicit sex include Star Wars terminology.  Even when the Han Solo outfit is in the wash, my husband will still ask me to play with his Blaster.

4)  You can write an entire letter to someone as if you were Gollum, and the recipient STILL wants to fuck you!  Of course, that makes the recipient a sexy geek, too, as they would have to know who Gollum is in order to get the joke.

5)  You imagine yourself as a Klingon warrior during sex.  Once might not qualify you, but any degree of regularity is geekhood for sure!

I could keep going, but I’ll save more for later.  I’m assuming my creative partner has a few things she could add in here as well, as she is most definitely a sexy geek

Arrrrr!  I’m frightfully sore around me middle and arse this fine morning, after waging a great battle with ye olde corset last night!  There I was…held captive in ye changing room of a simple bloomer shoppe, when me corset turned into a vile, wretched beast!  I knew not what manner of evil had possessed it!  It went on sweetly, but then refused to unleash me.  I thrashed with all my might…I pulled at it’s eyes…I brandished my weapons.

Meanwhile, the skinny wenches that ran the bloomer shoppe laughed outside the changing room…their fake bosoms barely contained within cheap homespun.

“I’ll deal with you rabble next!”  I shouted, tugging hard on a strap that bound my shoulder.

I struggled on for hours, calling for my knights to assist me…but alas, they had their own troubles at ye teddy bear shoppe down the lane.   Finally, I mustered the strength from me bowels!  With a mighty heave, I threw down my enemy and smote its evil ruins on the shoppe floor!

Now for the gaggle of wenches…

They cowered in the corner, staring at the ruined corset.  “I dare not waste my blessed strength on ye ill-bred lot!” I shouted.  “Stop purveying bad goods and get ye all to a nunnery!”

I slammed the door and made haste to the teddy bear shoppe.

I found this in the search terms used to find our site.  Hope you found what you were looking for!  I thought I’d harken back to the days of fluid infacuation to share my most embarrasing secret.  Due to the basically daily amazing sex I’ve been having lately, especially the equisite come squirting fist fucks that E likes to deliver, I have developed a most disconcerting side effect.  I can’t hold my pee!!  I have been doing kegel exercises like mad but the research I did said that can take 6 weeks to work.  Ack!  In some ways I feel younger than ever, having such great sex, but then I feel like an old lady, having to buy Depends so I don’t pee when I cough.  (of course through all this I’m holding on to a cough I got from a cold three weeks ago, ugh)

And now that I’ve graduated to really sexy underwear from simple cotton bikinis, yes in fact every once in a while I end up with a sweaty pissy thong.  Though I wouldn’t let anyone lick it before it got clean.  But if you want, dear reader, I’ll mail it to you!

P.S. If anyone has tried out Vaginal Weights, please let me know.  I think they would be great for keeping me tight and in shape but I would prefer to talk to someone who had tried them before I drop the dough on it.

Data mining and metadata fascinates the shit out of my hubbie (I’m counting on that love to bring in the big bucks soon so that I can retire from academia and sex blog full-time).  I don’t entirely share in his fascination, but I am constantly amused by the search terms that lead people to our site.  I’ve thought of cateloging them and then trying to string them all together in sentences.  Here’s the latest:  “definition of indimidating.”  We can assume that’s a typo on intimidating there, but one dat makes me dant to dart inderted Ds indo all my dentences!  Does dat make me indimidating?