I guess I should have known from all the stories of E’s wild Barbie play that if I gave her a plastic penis it would be all over.  Yet still, I wandered over to the “dirty sex store” and picked out a big beautiful purple silicone penis just for her.  When I saw it hanging there on the rack, all alone, I knew she would look oh so hot in purple.

So one night at the Bachelor Pad I presented it to her and she smiled wickedly.  I could tell she knew exactly what she was going to do with it.  I helped her adjust the harness and secure her new cock in place.  I wish I could describe exactly how beautiful she looked weilding that purple penis.  The black leather harness has a silver butterfly just over the spot where the cock goes, a little touch of feminine for the girls who like to strap it on.

As gorgeous and graceful as she looked, Mistress E could not resist letting her inner man take over.  She put her hands on her hips and started waving it around.  “I just don’t know how men get anything done with these things, if I had one I’d be playing with it all the time.”  She grabbed hold of it and starting spraying imaginary pee, “And I’d piss every where too.  How fun it would be to write my name!  Too bad The Batchelor’s not here, I’d joust him!”

I watched her from the bed, horrified.  “Um, E, could you just fuck me please?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry Silver.”

At least there is one good thing about having a girl friend who loves to strap it on, I get to take her cock home with me and play with it whenever I want.

  No, that’s not me, but I’d happily scratch her back!

(I got inspired for this one after my daughter told me a few weeks ago that I play better after I’ve had some champagne.  Yea, she asked her father to go buy me a bottle so that I’d play Barbies with her!  Go figure!)

Daughter:  Mommy, can I fill your glass up for ya?

Mommy:  No baby (hiccup)…I’m good!  Now which Barbie am I playing with again?  They’re all starting to look alike, these blond bitches!

Daughter:  You’re Malibu Barbie, and you’ve just come back from the ball at the castle.

Mommy:  So I probably need to change clothes, right?  Woohoo!  Let’s get naked, Barbie!

Daughter:  Mom, stop playing with her boobies!  No, she doesn’t need to change clothes AGAIN.  Play right!

Mommy:  I AM playing right.  I thought the whole point was to change their clothes.  I mean really, they can’t sit around chatting about physics can they?  Where’s Ken?  Let’s see how he looks in drag!

Daughter:  Dad, she’s not playing right!!  Bring her some more champagne!  Now listen, you just came back from the ball, and Ken’s your prince.

Mommy:  “He’s not my type!”  Yea, you go Malibu!  Ken’s a sissy!  We wants ourselves a big, black Man Barbie…yea, one that actually has genitals!  Fuck Ken!

Daughter:  Dad!  Mommy said fuck again!  She knows she’s not supposed to say fuck, cause fuck is a bad word, and fuck can get you in big trouble at school!  So make her play right!

Mommy:  “Yea, Ken, you know you want it up the ass, don’t ya?”  “Stop teasing me, Malibu!”  “Come on and whine some more, sissy boy!”  “Take that!”  “No, you take that!”  Whoa…watch them go at it!  Damn, if Ken had genitals, she would have just kicked his nuts clean up into his throat.  I love playing Barbies!

I love old science fiction, despite the sometimes horrid special effects and thin plot lines.  My husband and I once made it a point to watch every sci-fi movie listed in the opening theme song of Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Admittedly, some of them were pretty bad, but it did lead me to Forbidden Planet, which is one of my all-time favorites.

Last night I finished up Cat Women of the Moon.  The funny part is we had checked out three other sci-fi movies from the same time period (roughly 1950-60’s), and they all had the exact same plot:  a group of men in a space ship land somewhere full of women who have never seen men before.  The alien women are then torn between carrying out some evil plot or giving into their lust/love for the men.

Hmmmm…obviously that was a common male fantasy in the mid-twentieth century.  But was it really a flattering fantasy?  All it says to me is that to find women who were enthralled with men, you had to travel somewhere where women were completely ignorant about men…implying, of course, that too much background knowledge about men kills their appeal.

I decided I’m going to take this old sci-fi plot line and turn it into a lesbian fantasy, complete with Cat Women who are so flexible that they can lick their own pussies!  Ha, who needs those nasty space men anyway!

Eliza Dushku Halloween

So this is my favorite celebrity crush, the woman who reminded me just how much I like women.  Eliza Dushku.  I fell in love with her when I first saw her on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”  She played the rogue vampire slayer, with a lust for life, slaying, and everything else.  The lesbian subtext was palpable as she tempted Sarah Michelle Gellar over to the dark side in an episode entitled “Bad Girls.”  She also played with lesbian themes in at least one other movie.  I can’t tell you the number of fantasies I had about her over the years.  She had a short lived show called “Tru Calling” a few years back and of course, I couldn’t get enough of her sultry brown eyes and gorgeous body.  I’m sure if I met her in real life I’d think she was way too skinny but on the screen she seems much more voluptuous than most of the stick thin girls that are out there.

I’m very excited that she has another new show coming out in February and I can barely wait to renew my obsession.  It is called “Dollhouse” and it is airing on Fox (and also available on the internet, where I get all my TV–much cheaper than cable).  And of course, it is a sci fi series that plays to the geek in me, created by Joss Whedon, of “Buffy” and “Firefly”.

While I was searching for information on the new show, I found this pic of what she wore on Halloween.  See, I knew we were kindred spirits, gotta love the corset and thigh highs.  Talk about fodder for my fantasies, I could spend all day thinking about peeling this outfit off of her!

I did a Google Image search for Vick’s Vapo Rub and “naughty”.  This dude popped up!  I think he has definitely gone against all the Internet testimony and went straight for testicle application.

 

 

This one is strangely erotic, and was captioned, “I love my Vick’s Vapo Rub!”  Hmmm…I think she needs help smearing it in!

The Bachelor is enjoying another luncheon with his mother.  He would have preferred a greasy cheeseburger today, but she wanted tea sandwiches.  As she’s paying the bill, he decided to humor her.

Mom:  So Buddy tells me you’re gay…

Bachelor:  What? (chokes on his cucumber sandwich)  That lying piece of shit!  What did he say that for?

Mom:  Watch your mouth!  Buddy is talented and giving individual…not to mention the fact that he’s your friend.  You haven’t had many friends, you know.

Bachelor:  But, Mom…I’m not gay!

Mom:  It’s all right, dear.  You can tell me the truth.  I’m not going to be upset.  In fact, I wanted to let you know that it’s not your fault.

Bachelor:  Honestly, I’m not gay!

Mom:  As I was saying, it’s not your fault.  This kind of behavior is in your genes…even the polyamory thing…it’s in your genes.

Bachelor:  What are you talking about?

Mom:  Well, it’s all my fault, dear!  The 60’s were a wild time to live through, you know.  Ahhh…there was sex everywhere you looked, and in so many varieties!  One weekend I went camping with a bunch of hippies, and I saw two women eating each other’s pussies, and I said to myself, “Midge, you really need to try that!”

Bachelor:  I’m going to be sick…

Mom:  Eat your sandwich, it will help.  So that was when I met Lola.  Lola was a true hippie in every sense of the word.  Her pubic hair even smelled like pot; it was really quite intoxicating.  We spent the whole weekend of the camping trip together…me, her, and her two boyfriends.  Nice young men.  Roger was hung like a horse!

Bachelor:  Oh God…

Mom:  Anyway, Lola and I stayed in touch for a number of years, even after I married your father.  I tried to stay faithful, really I did, but your father just never had the knack for eating pussy the way Lola did.

Bachelor:  Really, I’m going to vomit here…

Mom:  And I kept seeing Roger, too!  Honestly, how can any woman be expected to give up a cock that size?  Fortunately, Roger married Brenda, whom I didn’t really gel with.  She had beautiful breasts, though!  Those naughty pictures that we took during the camping trip of ‘74 included some great breast shots of Brenda.  Ultimately, though, her and I were just not compatible sexually.  Why are you green?

Bachelor:  I told you, I’m sick.  You’re shattering my childhood image of you.

Mom:  Well, good!  I’m just telling you all this so that you won’t live the rest of you life in denial about being gay.  It’s ok!  I love you and accept you for who you are!

Bachelor:  But I’m not gay!  Buddy’s feeding you a line of horseshit!  And what are you doing hanging out with him anyway?   He’s weird.   He digs older chicks.  He’s not putting the moves on you, is he?  Cause I’ll kill him!

Mom:  Don’t be so melodramatic!  I can take care of myself.  Besides, I swore a long time ago that I was only going to cheat on your father with women, and men who dressed like women.  Now finish your cucumber sandwich, and then we’ll discuss finding you a boyfriend.

Ah, it was yet another busy weekend for Silver and I…trying to balance our party schedule with mommy time can be challenging you know!  But after tucking in the families on Saturday night, we took off to a sex toy party, where the wonders of modern sex science were demonstrated before our very eyes.

I wasn’t very impressed with the mechanical “blowjobber”…really guys, how hard is it to find a woman (or man for that matter) to suck on your dick!  The nipple suction device got oohs and ahhs from the rest of the crowd, but as two moms who breastfed kids, we just had to laugh at that one.  Hand-held breastmilk pumps are probably cheaper anyway, and don’t require batteries.

My biggest revelation of the evening came, though, during the spanking/flogging demonstration, when the Dominant explained how to use “dry” cold to sooth welts made from the paddle or other implement of pain.  He whipped out a bag of flour from the freezer and put it on the recipient’s red, beaten ass.  “Flour in the freezer?” I said to myself.  “That’s such common sense.  It would keep the bugs out!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

I used to bake quite a bit, but got tired of losing bags of expensive organic flour to pesky bugs!  None of my baking books ever mentioned freezing the flour.  Duh!  Why am I always the last to know these things?  Now, thanks to a semi-professional sexpert, I can bake again!

Ok, someone searched yesterday for “ecstasy + Vicks + masturbate”, and I’m dying to know if they actually found references on masturbating with Vick’s!  Admittedly, I’m a fan of vapo rub myself, particularly since I’ve caught every cold in town the past few months.  Erotically speaking, though, I’ve only ever used it on my nipples.  The thought of masturbating with menthol seems…well,…rather painful.  I suppose it would make more sense to use it on a penis, but even then, you get that shit in the pee-pee hole, and you’re fucked!

Since I’m doing nothing but eating waffle fries this morning and planning my sex toy holiday party for Friday night, maybe I’ll duplicate this marvelous search and see just what turns up!

Damn it, Silver…I knew we shouldn’t have let this one live!  He’s running amok, and with our bachelor pad key no less!  Have no fear, babe, I’ll find this little fucker, steal the key, and put an end to his deviant behavior…all before our date next weekend!!