I guess I should have known from all the stories of E’s wild Barbie play that if I gave her a plastic penis it would be all over.  Yet still, I wandered over to the “dirty sex store” and picked out a big beautiful purple silicone penis just for her.  When I saw it hanging there on the rack, all alone, I knew she would look oh so hot in purple.

So one night at the Bachelor Pad I presented it to her and she smiled wickedly.  I could tell she knew exactly what she was going to do with it.  I helped her adjust the harness and secure her new cock in place.  I wish I could describe exactly how beautiful she looked weilding that purple penis.  The black leather harness has a silver butterfly just over the spot where the cock goes, a little touch of feminine for the girls who like to strap it on.

As gorgeous and graceful as she looked, Mistress E could not resist letting her inner man take over.  She put her hands on her hips and started waving it around.  “I just don’t know how men get anything done with these things, if I had one I’d be playing with it all the time.”  She grabbed hold of it and starting spraying imaginary pee, “And I’d piss every where too.  How fun it would be to write my name!  Too bad The Batchelor’s not here, I’d joust him!”

I watched her from the bed, horrified.  “Um, E, could you just fuck me please?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry Silver.”

At least there is one good thing about having a girl friend who loves to strap it on, I get to take her cock home with me and play with it whenever I want.

The Bachelor is enjoying another luncheon with his mother.  He would have preferred a greasy cheeseburger today, but she wanted tea sandwiches.  As she’s paying the bill, he decided to humor her.

Mom:  So Buddy tells me you’re gay…

Bachelor:  What? (chokes on his cucumber sandwich)  That lying piece of shit!  What did he say that for?

Mom:  Watch your mouth!  Buddy is talented and giving individual…not to mention the fact that he’s your friend.  You haven’t had many friends, you know.

Bachelor:  But, Mom…I’m not gay!

Mom:  It’s all right, dear.  You can tell me the truth.  I’m not going to be upset.  In fact, I wanted to let you know that it’s not your fault.

Bachelor:  Honestly, I’m not gay!

Mom:  As I was saying, it’s not your fault.  This kind of behavior is in your genes…even the polyamory thing…it’s in your genes.

Bachelor:  What are you talking about?

Mom:  Well, it’s all my fault, dear!  The 60’s were a wild time to live through, you know.  Ahhh…there was sex everywhere you looked, and in so many varieties!  One weekend I went camping with a bunch of hippies, and I saw two women eating each other’s pussies, and I said to myself, “Midge, you really need to try that!”

Bachelor:  I’m going to be sick…

Mom:  Eat your sandwich, it will help.  So that was when I met Lola.  Lola was a true hippie in every sense of the word.  Her pubic hair even smelled like pot; it was really quite intoxicating.  We spent the whole weekend of the camping trip together…me, her, and her two boyfriends.  Nice young men.  Roger was hung like a horse!

Bachelor:  Oh God…

Mom:  Anyway, Lola and I stayed in touch for a number of years, even after I married your father.  I tried to stay faithful, really I did, but your father just never had the knack for eating pussy the way Lola did.

Bachelor:  Really, I’m going to vomit here…

Mom:  And I kept seeing Roger, too!  Honestly, how can any woman be expected to give up a cock that size?  Fortunately, Roger married Brenda, whom I didn’t really gel with.  She had beautiful breasts, though!  Those naughty pictures that we took during the camping trip of ‘74 included some great breast shots of Brenda.  Ultimately, though, her and I were just not compatible sexually.  Why are you green?

Bachelor:  I told you, I’m sick.  You’re shattering my childhood image of you.

Mom:  Well, good!  I’m just telling you all this so that you won’t live the rest of you life in denial about being gay.  It’s ok!  I love you and accept you for who you are!

Bachelor:  But I’m not gay!  Buddy’s feeding you a line of horseshit!  And what are you doing hanging out with him anyway?   He’s weird.   He digs older chicks.  He’s not putting the moves on you, is he?  Cause I’ll kill him!

Mom:  Don’t be so melodramatic!  I can take care of myself.  Besides, I swore a long time ago that I was only going to cheat on your father with women, and men who dressed like women.  Now finish your cucumber sandwich, and then we’ll discuss finding you a boyfriend.

Damn it, Silver…I knew we shouldn’t have let this one live!  He’s running amok, and with our bachelor pad key no less!  Have no fear, babe, I’ll find this little fucker, steal the key, and put an end to his deviant behavior…all before our date next weekend!!

Aside from the weekly fight chats, our two friends occasionally support each other on the phone.   Buddy’s had a rough week, and feels that life has thrown him a giant pit.

Buddy:  Dude, I’m hurtin’ here!  Cherry Bush dumped me!

Bachelor:  No way, man!  What did you do?

Buddy:  What do you mean, “What did I do?”  Why is it always assumed that the guy has fucked up?

Bachelor:  Cause we generally have…what did you do?

Buddy:   Ahhh, she got upset about the other women.  Man, this polyamory shit just isn’t working for me!  Aren’t they all supposed to love me?

Bachelor:  Just admit that you’re a swinger instead, and life will be easier.  Who’s the other women?

Buddy:  Remember the waitress at the diner?  Well, her…and this married lady that I met online…oh, and my boss…ummm, and the older lady that lives above me.

Bachelor:  Dude, she’s like 50!  Oh, wait, I’ve got another call coming through…

Buddy:  Don’t put me on hold, you bastard!  I need your undivided attention here, man…focus on my grief!

Bachelor:  Hang on, it’s my mom! (clicks his friend on hold)

Buddy:  Ah, fuck you and your mom, you weiner!  You’re a fag, and your mother smells like party mints!  Yea, ask me how I know that, motherfucker!  And who do you think gave the lesbians your key, huh?  Me!  That’s right!  Me!  Worthless piece of shit…

Bachelor:  Ok, I’m back…where were we?

Buddy:  You were gasping with disbelief that I’m fucking a grandma.

Bachelor:  Yea, what’s up with that?  Has Craig’s List completely dried up for ya, man?  Please say there’s still hope!

Buddy:  There’s hope.  But what’s wrong with vintage chicks?  They’re like a fine wine…and they don’t get all bent out of shape over small shit like young chicks do.  Speaking of which, let’s get back to Cherry Bush…

Bachelor:  Yes, that’s right…you’re wallowing in grief and pain.  Well, I’m here for ya man!  Just tell me what you need, and I’ll step up to the plate with some friendship.

Buddy:  Oh wait…now I have a call.

Bachelor:  Who?

Buddy:  Your mom.  Listen, I really gotta take this one, so catch ya later, bro!

The Bachelor and his Buddy are watching the fights on TV and toking up on some righteous weed.  It’s a weekly ritual, this fight night thing, and continues the time-honored tradition of male bonding.

“Dude, check out the legs on that guy!  He’s ripped!” 

“That’s so gay, man, ” replied Buddy.  “Stop looking at dudes legs.  Oh my god, he’s got him by the balls!”

“That’s gotta hurt,” coughed the Bachelor after inhaling some of his joint.  “Hey, who’d you fuck this week?”

“This new chick I met on line…red head…works at the organic grocery.  Her bush is awesome, man!  Thick red hair that smells like maraschino cherries.”

“No shit!  I didn’t know maraschino cherries had a smell.”  Deep inhale.  “Jesus, that dude is on top of him, man, with his face in his crotch!”  Cough.  “So maybe you should share the cherry bush?”

“Find your own bush on line, man!  I’m not sharing.  Besides, don’t you have two chicks coming over to your place later tonight?”

“Those two crazy MILFs?  Na, they just use my place.  Besides, the short one is insane, dude!  She smashed all my gnomes trying to find where I hide the spare key!”

“No way!  That’s not right, man!  You need to send your mom after them!  How is your mom, by the way?”

“She’s good.”  Deep inhale.  “Thanks for asking!”  Cough.  “So, back to the cherry bush…come on, man, we could both do her at the same time!”

“That’s so gay!  I’m not sharing one of my chicks.  Besides, man, you don’t shave.  Ah yes, he’s got him pinned!!!!  Check it out!”

“What a hold!  That’s gotta hurt!  Look how sweaty they are.”  Deep inhale.

“Stop looking at dudes, man, or I won’t come back next week.  That’s so gay!”

“Ah, you said the same thing last week.”  Cough.

I forgot to mention that we had thought about designing a line of pee pads with “adult” decor on them…you know, like the naked ladies that adorn trucker license plates or something.  Oh, or maybe big busted mermaids swimming in cum!

Believe it or not, it’s not a sex toy, but rather a pee pad!  I suppose not every MILF couple needs a pee pad, seeing as how not all women ejaculate, but Silver and I have made it our main accessory!  The whole thing was her idea, I must admit. 

She showed up one afternoon to pick me up in the Love Van, and when we reached our parking spot, I saw that she had completely MILFed out the van.  A pee pad was on the quilt, for wetness protection, and baby wipes were handy for any messes!  All that was missing was a portable fan, as the weather was still warm for van sex.

“You’re a genius!” I exclaimed.  I mean, did the makers of pee pads ever dream that such a thing could be used to protect a child’s bed from pee AND the mother’s bed from female ejaculation fluid?  Only problem was the duckies…

Silver’s primary pee pad was covered in little yellow duckies…most distracting during sex.  We made the mistake of unloading our prized accessory one night at the Bachelor Pad before he had left us in peace.  He saw that we intended to cover his macho bachelor bed with a duckie pee pad, and he shrieked with displeasure.  We just told him to hush, though, and sent him packing to his mom’s house.

Out of respect for bachelors everywhere, though, Silver made a special trip to Baby’s R Us the following day, and bought two more pee pads, both of which bore no infantile decoration whatsoever.  The solid white one we stashed at his place for future use, and as long as his mom doesn’t find it when she cleans, he says he accepts our compromise of no duckies.

My quandry now, though, is do we take pee pads to the hotel on Saturday, or do we just soak the bed with cum?

(If you haven’t read the comments on the previous post, then do so before reading this one!)

“Where’s the key, you bastard?”  I smacked his face hard!  “Silver and I have ways of making you talk!  You can tell us now and everything can go back to normal, or suffer the consequences!”

(dead silence)

“Alright, that’s how it’s going to be, huh?  Silver, where’s your paddle?  Maybe if we loosen his ass up a bit, his tongue will follow.”

Silver unleashed a fury of spankings.  She began panting and sweating as she tortured him.  Still no sound came from his lips.

“God I get hot watching you paddle people!”  I said, quite distracted.  Recovering myself, I continued.  “We need that key, damn it!  How are we supposed to sneak into the bachelor pad with no key!  You’re thwarting my sex life here!  Silver, give him another round!”

With a gleam in her eye, Silver paddled harder and harder, but we still got nothing but dead silence.

“It’s useless, ” she panted.  “He’s not going to talk.”

“I guess you’re right.  Bring me another gnome.  We’ll find one of these fuckers that will talk!”

Bachelor:  E, do you know anything about a pair of black, fishnet stockings that mysteriously turned up on my futon?

Me:  Hey, you rascal (laughing)…what did you do, forget who you had over last night?  Man, I want your life!

Bachelor:  I wasn’t home last night.  I was working at my mother’s house.

Me:  Oh hey, how is your mom anyway?

Bachelor:  You’re changing the subject.  Did you or did you not sneak in here and leave some black stockings on my futon?

Me:  I don’t wear stockings, you know that.

Bachelor:  Yes, but you fuck people who wear stockings.  These have a huge rip in the crotch, so I’m assuming you very aggressively fuck people who wear stockings.   Did you sneak in here and fuck another woman on my futon?

Me:  Nope…I haven’t even fucked you on your futon.

Bachelor:  Oops, hang on.  Mom’s on the other line.  Let me put you on hold.

(elevator music)

Bachelor:  Ok, I’m back.  Mom reminded me about the quilt.  Besides the stockings, I also found my quilt in the washer.  If you didn’t fuck on the futon, then I’ll take a shrewd quess that you did it on the bed.  Did you bring that one who ejaculates over here?  OMG, I thought the bed smelled musky last night…I was sleeping in spooge!

Me:  Well, technically spooge is male ejaculation fluid.  Female fluid would be called…

Bachelor:  Pee?

Me:  Oh, now you’re just being pissy!

Bachelor:  I’m moving the key.

Me:  Fine.  Do it.