Last night was a prolific dream night for me.  As many of you might suspect, my dreams are frequently sexual…they also frequently involve food.  Sometimes I confuse the two themes and I’m doing shit like fucking squash and then eating people.  Anyway, last night’s dream scape involved a salad bar, but instead of salad, the bar was covered with my favorite lingerie off former and current lovers.  The smorgasbord included the red fishnet stockings that Silver wore for Valentine’s Day, the black silk boxers that I just bought for my husband, Silver’s gray corset and garter set, Ruthie’s black socks (long story), and the Bachelor’s belt…yes, if any of you hadn’t already figured that one out, the Bachelor and I used to be lovers…that was back before he spent so much time with Buddy.

So I approached the lingerie buffet eagerly, as I had just robbed a bank and was quite famished.  Instead of a plate, I had a laundry basket.  I filled the basket, headed to a low Japanese table close to the floor, and dumped my feast out before me.  I started with Silver’s red fishnets and the hubbie’s boxers, as those two items have been on my mind a number of times lately.  I sniffed both languidly and proceeded to eat them, savouring the texture of each.  I moved on to Ruthie’s socks, which required salt and butter.  Ruthie’s a vegan with a clean system, so her clothes don’t have much flavor.  Then I gnawed on the Bachelor’s belt for a while, which kind of tasted like overdone jerky.

I finished off my delicous meal with the gray corset and garters…dessert, if you will.  I flossed my teeth with the disposable thong, still conveniently in my purse, and then sat back to digest and plot my next bank robbery.

The Bachelor is enjoying another luncheon with his mother.  He would have preferred a greasy cheeseburger today, but she wanted tea sandwiches.  As she’s paying the bill, he decided to humor her.

Mom:  So Buddy tells me you’re gay…

Bachelor:  What? (chokes on his cucumber sandwich)  That lying piece of shit!  What did he say that for?

Mom:  Watch your mouth!  Buddy is talented and giving individual…not to mention the fact that he’s your friend.  You haven’t had many friends, you know.

Bachelor:  But, Mom…I’m not gay!

Mom:  It’s all right, dear.  You can tell me the truth.  I’m not going to be upset.  In fact, I wanted to let you know that it’s not your fault.

Bachelor:  Honestly, I’m not gay!

Mom:  As I was saying, it’s not your fault.  This kind of behavior is in your genes…even the polyamory thing…it’s in your genes.

Bachelor:  What are you talking about?

Mom:  Well, it’s all my fault, dear!  The 60’s were a wild time to live through, you know.  Ahhh…there was sex everywhere you looked, and in so many varieties!  One weekend I went camping with a bunch of hippies, and I saw two women eating each other’s pussies, and I said to myself, “Midge, you really need to try that!”

Bachelor:  I’m going to be sick…

Mom:  Eat your sandwich, it will help.  So that was when I met Lola.  Lola was a true hippie in every sense of the word.  Her pubic hair even smelled like pot; it was really quite intoxicating.  We spent the whole weekend of the camping trip together…me, her, and her two boyfriends.  Nice young men.  Roger was hung like a horse!

Bachelor:  Oh God…

Mom:  Anyway, Lola and I stayed in touch for a number of years, even after I married your father.  I tried to stay faithful, really I did, but your father just never had the knack for eating pussy the way Lola did.

Bachelor:  Really, I’m going to vomit here…

Mom:  And I kept seeing Roger, too!  Honestly, how can any woman be expected to give up a cock that size?  Fortunately, Roger married Brenda, whom I didn’t really gel with.  She had beautiful breasts, though!  Those naughty pictures that we took during the camping trip of ‘74 included some great breast shots of Brenda.  Ultimately, though, her and I were just not compatible sexually.  Why are you green?

Bachelor:  I told you, I’m sick.  You’re shattering my childhood image of you.

Mom:  Well, good!  I’m just telling you all this so that you won’t live the rest of you life in denial about being gay.  It’s ok!  I love you and accept you for who you are!

Bachelor:  But I’m not gay!  Buddy’s feeding you a line of horseshit!  And what are you doing hanging out with him anyway?   He’s weird.   He digs older chicks.  He’s not putting the moves on you, is he?  Cause I’ll kill him!

Mom:  Don’t be so melodramatic!  I can take care of myself.  Besides, I swore a long time ago that I was only going to cheat on your father with women, and men who dressed like women.  Now finish your cucumber sandwich, and then we’ll discuss finding you a boyfriend.

Aside from the weekly fight chats, our two friends occasionally support each other on the phone.   Buddy’s had a rough week, and feels that life has thrown him a giant pit.

Buddy:  Dude, I’m hurtin’ here!  Cherry Bush dumped me!

Bachelor:  No way, man!  What did you do?

Buddy:  What do you mean, “What did I do?”  Why is it always assumed that the guy has fucked up?

Bachelor:  Cause we generally have…what did you do?

Buddy:   Ahhh, she got upset about the other women.  Man, this polyamory shit just isn’t working for me!  Aren’t they all supposed to love me?

Bachelor:  Just admit that you’re a swinger instead, and life will be easier.  Who’s the other women?

Buddy:  Remember the waitress at the diner?  Well, her…and this married lady that I met online…oh, and my boss…ummm, and the older lady that lives above me.

Bachelor:  Dude, she’s like 50!  Oh, wait, I’ve got another call coming through…

Buddy:  Don’t put me on hold, you bastard!  I need your undivided attention here, man…focus on my grief!

Bachelor:  Hang on, it’s my mom! (clicks his friend on hold)

Buddy:  Ah, fuck you and your mom, you weiner!  You’re a fag, and your mother smells like party mints!  Yea, ask me how I know that, motherfucker!  And who do you think gave the lesbians your key, huh?  Me!  That’s right!  Me!  Worthless piece of shit…

Bachelor:  Ok, I’m back…where were we?

Buddy:  You were gasping with disbelief that I’m fucking a grandma.

Bachelor:  Yea, what’s up with that?  Has Craig’s List completely dried up for ya, man?  Please say there’s still hope!

Buddy:  There’s hope.  But what’s wrong with vintage chicks?  They’re like a fine wine…and they don’t get all bent out of shape over small shit like young chicks do.  Speaking of which, let’s get back to Cherry Bush…

Bachelor:  Yes, that’s right…you’re wallowing in grief and pain.  Well, I’m here for ya man!  Just tell me what you need, and I’ll step up to the plate with some friendship.

Buddy:  Oh wait…now I have a call.

Bachelor:  Who?

Buddy:  Your mom.  Listen, I really gotta take this one, so catch ya later, bro!

The Bachelor and his Buddy are watching the fights on TV and toking up on some righteous weed.  It’s a weekly ritual, this fight night thing, and continues the time-honored tradition of male bonding.

“Dude, check out the legs on that guy!  He’s ripped!” 

“That’s so gay, man, ” replied Buddy.  “Stop looking at dudes legs.  Oh my god, he’s got him by the balls!”

“That’s gotta hurt,” coughed the Bachelor after inhaling some of his joint.  “Hey, who’d you fuck this week?”

“This new chick I met on line…red head…works at the organic grocery.  Her bush is awesome, man!  Thick red hair that smells like maraschino cherries.”

“No shit!  I didn’t know maraschino cherries had a smell.”  Deep inhale.  “Jesus, that dude is on top of him, man, with his face in his crotch!”  Cough.  “So maybe you should share the cherry bush?”

“Find your own bush on line, man!  I’m not sharing.  Besides, don’t you have two chicks coming over to your place later tonight?”

“Those two crazy MILFs?  Na, they just use my place.  Besides, the short one is insane, dude!  She smashed all my gnomes trying to find where I hide the spare key!”

“No way!  That’s not right, man!  You need to send your mom after them!  How is your mom, by the way?”

“She’s good.”  Deep inhale.  “Thanks for asking!”  Cough.  “So, back to the cherry bush…come on, man, we could both do her at the same time!”

“That’s so gay!  I’m not sharing one of my chicks.  Besides, man, you don’t shave.  Ah yes, he’s got him pinned!!!!  Check it out!”

“What a hold!  That’s gotta hurt!  Look how sweaty they are.”  Deep inhale.

“Stop looking at dudes, man, or I won’t come back next week.  That’s so gay!”

“Ah, you said the same thing last week.”  Cough.