While waiting for Silver to finish cleaning her house so that she can post sexy corset pictures, I was reading the current issue of Prevention magazine this morning, where I saw a list of germy “Hot Spots” that each of us face daily.  Here’s news for all you people out there who like to fuck vacuums:  the household vacuum cleaner is listed as a harbor of bacteria!  Yuck! 

This got me started thinking about what things (if any) grossed me out with regards to sex.  Obviously the whole vacuum thing is kind of gross to me.  Really…there’s sexier household appliances, people!  Give the dryer a try for vibration!  Gross is always relative, of course.  Why just a few weeks ago I was telling a guy buddy of mine about eating the honey and apples off the model at the sex party, and he thought that was gross and germy.  “But dude, ” I replied, “she tasted good!  I regret not hopping up on the table and licking her clean with my tongue.”

So to each his own, I guess.  I have no problem with sex in public restrooms.  Butt play thrills me.  I’d happily pee on someone or get peed on myself.  I don’t like having sex with women when they’re having their period, but that’s out of respect for Mother Nature and the process, not because I mind blood.  I love human anatomy, and would happily suck, lick, or touch any of our collective parts.  So what grosses me out?

Pain, degradation, damaging our lovely human anatomy…and I guess vacuum cleaners!

Can you tell it’s a snow day?! I just can’t stay off here today.  As usual, following a completely unrelated series of links, I found the website for a series of (educational) videos about female ejaculation.  There are a couple of really great streaming video clips.  I liked this one in particular.   Check out the woman at the end of the video… says the first time she squirted, it hit the wall!  Wow, she’s a force to be reckoned with!  I think I may have to order this series for E and Me and write a nice review for our dear readers.

What do ya think?  Should I squirt for Our Dear Counselor Deanna Troi?

My city happens to be well populated with lesbians, and I’ve discovered one of the marvelous advantages to that is female mechanics!  The first time I pulled into my local Valvoline, I was overjoyed to see that the female mechanics outnumbered the men.  As often happens with me, I then became obsessed with one of them and felt the need to have my car serviced quite frequently.

I pulled in for yet another top off the other day.  She greeted me in Bay 2 with a smile, as always.  Her mechanic’s uniform hugged her shapely form in a snug way.  Her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, elongating her rich eyes.

“What can I do for you today, E?” she asked.

“Well, I need you to check my fluids again.  Seems the coolant light keeps coming in…I’m afraid of overheating, you know.”

“In this frigid weather?  You’re not going to overheat…unless you’re driving your engine too hard.  Are you driving it too hard?”

(Gulp)  “I try to maintain a steady speed, but I just can’t seem to get control of my fluids.  Can you PLEASE check them again for me?”

“Ok, but if you show up again next week, I’m going to HAVE to charge you!”

“I understand…but I’ll sleep better tonight knowing you’ve looked under my hood again.”  I pop the hood and she leans into my engine, expertly examining the parts.

“You do look a bit hot.  Let me add some coolant.”

“Whatever you think is necessary,” I look her straight in the eye.  “I trust your skills completely.”

She laughs, and then proceeds to fill my tank.  “God this is sexy, ” I think to myself.  “Way sexier than a bikini clad bimbo lounging on a car.  This chick can actually fix my car…and flirt with me at the same time!”

“Well, you’re all done,” she says, slamming the hood down.  “Drive ‘er easy, and remember you’re due for an oil job soon.  Next week I’m charging your ass for a top off, got that?”

“Yes, mam,” I saluted.  “I’m always happy to pay a professional.”

I drove straight to work and masturbated in the college bathroom…then had my coffee.

I forgot to mention that we had thought about designing a line of pee pads with “adult” decor on them…you know, like the naked ladies that adorn trucker license plates or something.  Oh, or maybe big busted mermaids swimming in cum!

Believe it or not, it’s not a sex toy, but rather a pee pad!  I suppose not every MILF couple needs a pee pad, seeing as how not all women ejaculate, but Silver and I have made it our main accessory!  The whole thing was her idea, I must admit. 

She showed up one afternoon to pick me up in the Love Van, and when we reached our parking spot, I saw that she had completely MILFed out the van.  A pee pad was on the quilt, for wetness protection, and baby wipes were handy for any messes!  All that was missing was a portable fan, as the weather was still warm for van sex.

“You’re a genius!” I exclaimed.  I mean, did the makers of pee pads ever dream that such a thing could be used to protect a child’s bed from pee AND the mother’s bed from female ejaculation fluid?  Only problem was the duckies…

Silver’s primary pee pad was covered in little yellow duckies…most distracting during sex.  We made the mistake of unloading our prized accessory one night at the Bachelor Pad before he had left us in peace.  He saw that we intended to cover his macho bachelor bed with a duckie pee pad, and he shrieked with displeasure.  We just told him to hush, though, and sent him packing to his mom’s house.

Out of respect for bachelors everywhere, though, Silver made a special trip to Baby’s R Us the following day, and bought two more pee pads, both of which bore no infantile decoration whatsoever.  The solid white one we stashed at his place for future use, and as long as his mom doesn’t find it when she cleans, he says he accepts our compromise of no duckies.

My quandry now, though, is do we take pee pads to the hotel on Saturday, or do we just soak the bed with cum?

I have admitted before that I’m addicted to Craig’s List.  Where else can you sell things, buy things, announce things, AND find lovers all in the same place?  And that’s not even tapping into the wonderful human stories that emerge under various section headings.  It’s also a haven for the unusual and extra-ordinary. 

My latest find is a lactating mother offering to sell her extra breast milk.  She claims to be a healthy woman who is just really cranking out the mommy juice and wants the extra to benefit other children.  I found myself laughing over this one, not because breastfeeding or wet nursing are funny, but because CL was her mode of advertising.  

Wet nursing has a very long and honorable history in most cultures; honestly, the fact that it’s not really done much anymore in this country, at least, is further proof of how out of touch we’re getting with all things natural.  What’s comical to me is how many people probably would think her ad gross, and swear that formula is more sanitary.  More sanitary perhaps, but healthier?  No way!

With this in mind, she turned to Craig’s List…where out-of-the-ordinary is more the norm.  I thought about writing her to find out how much she’s charging!  My baby’s all grown and my tits haven’t cranked out anything but powered milk for the last couple of years, but the thought of making money off such a simple human function appeals to my imagination!

I found this in the search terms used to find our site.  Hope you found what you were looking for!  I thought I’d harken back to the days of fluid infacuation to share my most embarrasing secret.  Due to the basically daily amazing sex I’ve been having lately, especially the equisite come squirting fist fucks that E likes to deliver, I have developed a most disconcerting side effect.  I can’t hold my pee!!  I have been doing kegel exercises like mad but the research I did said that can take 6 weeks to work.  Ack!  In some ways I feel younger than ever, having such great sex, but then I feel like an old lady, having to buy Depends so I don’t pee when I cough.  (of course through all this I’m holding on to a cough I got from a cold three weeks ago, ugh)

And now that I’ve graduated to really sexy underwear from simple cotton bikinis, yes in fact every once in a while I end up with a sweaty pissy thong.  Though I wouldn’t let anyone lick it before it got clean.  But if you want, dear reader, I’ll mail it to you!

P.S. If anyone has tried out Vaginal Weights, please let me know.  I think they would be great for keeping me tight and in shape but I would prefer to talk to someone who had tried them before I drop the dough on it.

Bachelor:  E, do you know anything about a pair of black, fishnet stockings that mysteriously turned up on my futon?

Me:  Hey, you rascal (laughing)…what did you do, forget who you had over last night?  Man, I want your life!

Bachelor:  I wasn’t home last night.  I was working at my mother’s house.

Me:  Oh hey, how is your mom anyway?

Bachelor:  You’re changing the subject.  Did you or did you not sneak in here and leave some black stockings on my futon?

Me:  I don’t wear stockings, you know that.

Bachelor:  Yes, but you fuck people who wear stockings.  These have a huge rip in the crotch, so I’m assuming you very aggressively fuck people who wear stockings.   Did you sneak in here and fuck another woman on my futon?

Me:  Nope…I haven’t even fucked you on your futon.

Bachelor:  Oops, hang on.  Mom’s on the other line.  Let me put you on hold.

(elevator music)

Bachelor:  Ok, I’m back.  Mom reminded me about the quilt.  Besides the stockings, I also found my quilt in the washer.  If you didn’t fuck on the futon, then I’ll take a shrewd quess that you did it on the bed.  Did you bring that one who ejaculates over here?  OMG, I thought the bed smelled musky last night…I was sleeping in spooge!

Me:  Well, technically spooge is male ejaculation fluid.  Female fluid would be called…

Bachelor:  Pee?

Me:  Oh, now you’re just being pissy!

Bachelor:  I’m moving the key.

Me:  Fine.  Do it.

This won’t be long because I just got back from my weekend camping with sexy ninjas but wanted to share that thanks to E’s fine tutelage, I peed outside successfully all weekend.  I felt like “one of the guys” pissin’ on trees whenever I pleased.  And after years of peeing on my pants and down my legs, I managed to avoid both all weekend long.  It’s goofy but I feel like that’s a real accomplishment!  Thanks again, E, for all the encouragement and advice!

The laundry didn’t get done last night, so I found myself with no clean undies this morning.  Even though I run around in no underwear at home, I typically wear panties to work.  Today, however, I’m running around in a dress with no underwear, and let me just say it is a complete distraction.  At first I wondered if anyone could tell I wasn’t wearing any undies;  then, I started thinking how much easier it would be to sneak and play with myself.  I’m really not someone who needs any extra excuse to play with myself.

So between the thought that I COULD play with myself at any moment and the anticipation of a night of great sex, I’ve been dripping pussy juice down my legs all day now.  You’re right, Ruthie, it’s gonna hit my shoes soon!  How am I supposed to teach with a straight face like this?