I may have mentioned already that Ruthie is moving…we’re gonna miss ya girl!  Anyway, as her parting gift, Ruthie left me most of her porn collection, many of which are classic VHS tapes that she purchased for $.50 each from a video rental store that went under.  Unfortunately in this case, I don’t own a TV or a VCR.  I just watch DVDs on my computer every now and then.  Some of the tapes I’ve pawned off on Silver (that’s why they were in her backpack), and the rest of them I just threw in the trunk of my car, hoping my 6 year old wouldn’t find them.

“Throwing shit in the trunk of my car” has become a pathological ailment with me.  I put stuff in, I forget that it’s there, and then one day I open the trunk and find it again.  I’m notorious for hauling books, recycling, and random sundries around for weeks on end.

Well, now I’m hauling around a broken Roland keyboard, a box of recycled law books, and a shitload of old porn VHS tapes.  I had forgotten about the porn until yesterday.

I went to the grocery store, and in an unusual fit of laziness, decided to let the bag boy accompany me to my car.  He was probably about 15 or 16 years old, and clearly not a social butterfly.  He followed me to my car with my groceries, I popped the trunk, and THEN I remembered that I was carrying around a small video store full of porn.

“Shit!”  I said to myself.  “I have got to remember to clean the trunk out!”  His eyes got as big as saucers, and his pimpled lips gasped in astonishment…this probably seemed like gold at the end of the rainbow to him.  I kept a straight face, though, and in fact reverted to my college teacher demeanor.

“Is there a problem young man?”  He shook his head no.  I pointed toward the groceries and motioned him to put them in the trunk.

“I’m not sure there’s enough room,” he said meekly.

“Yea, my husband and his broken keyboard…he won’t get rid of anything.”  I slammed the trunk shut, and opened the Saturn’s tiny third door.  “Just fill up the back seat then, young man, and make it quick…I’m late for a date with my girlfriend.”

Last night was a prolific dream night for me.  As many of you might suspect, my dreams are frequently sexual…they also frequently involve food.  Sometimes I confuse the two themes and I’m doing shit like fucking squash and then eating people.  Anyway, last night’s dream scape involved a salad bar, but instead of salad, the bar was covered with my favorite lingerie off former and current lovers.  The smorgasbord included the red fishnet stockings that Silver wore for Valentine’s Day, the black silk boxers that I just bought for my husband, Silver’s gray corset and garter set, Ruthie’s black socks (long story), and the Bachelor’s belt…yes, if any of you hadn’t already figured that one out, the Bachelor and I used to be lovers…that was back before he spent so much time with Buddy.

So I approached the lingerie buffet eagerly, as I had just robbed a bank and was quite famished.  Instead of a plate, I had a laundry basket.  I filled the basket, headed to a low Japanese table close to the floor, and dumped my feast out before me.  I started with Silver’s red fishnets and the hubbie’s boxers, as those two items have been on my mind a number of times lately.  I sniffed both languidly and proceeded to eat them, savouring the texture of each.  I moved on to Ruthie’s socks, which required salt and butter.  Ruthie’s a vegan with a clean system, so her clothes don’t have much flavor.  Then I gnawed on the Bachelor’s belt for a while, which kind of tasted like overdone jerky.

I finished off my delicous meal with the gray corset and garters…dessert, if you will.  I flossed my teeth with the disposable thong, still conveniently in my purse, and then sat back to digest and plot my next bank robbery.

The laundry didn’t get done last night, so I found myself with no clean undies this morning.  Even though I run around in no underwear at home, I typically wear panties to work.  Today, however, I’m running around in a dress with no underwear, and let me just say it is a complete distraction.  At first I wondered if anyone could tell I wasn’t wearing any undies;  then, I started thinking how much easier it would be to sneak and play with myself.  I’m really not someone who needs any extra excuse to play with myself.

So between the thought that I COULD play with myself at any moment and the anticipation of a night of great sex, I’ve been dripping pussy juice down my legs all day now.  You’re right, Ruthie, it’s gonna hit my shoes soon!  How am I supposed to teach with a straight face like this?

“This is Eroticego here, reporting live from the Creamy Panty Corporation’s headquarters.  Next to me is Ruthie, CEO and creative genius behind Creamy Panty’s success.  So Ruthie…tell my readers exactly how does one make money selling used panties?”

“Well, E, really it’s quite easy!  My customers typically have a panty fetish.  They contact me with a particular request…um, like panties that have been masturbated in, urinated in, etc.  I have an entire stash of cotton undies on supply, so I fill the requests as time allows and then put the used product in the mail…after I receive payment of course.”

“So let me get this straight…people will pay for soiled panties?  You get to make a mess in your undies, never have to deal with the laundry, AND get paid for it?”

“That’s correct.  I’m currently funding a trip to Europe.”

“Damn, I’m in the wrong business!  So what’s been your hardest order to fill?”

“Let’s see…I had a guy wanting extremely stinky ones once, and well, I just smell too good for that.  Must be the vegan diet.  I wore a pair for two weeks, and they still smelled only mildly used.  Pee soaked undies are easy to produce, but getting them mailed is a bitch.  Masturbated in panties are definitely my speciality, but I’ve been pulling some long hours lately, so my body is just not cranking out the cream the way it used to.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll make it to Europe.  Business is on the rise, I assume?”

“Yes, definitely.  I’ve been able to quit my day job and focus all my energy on making Creamy Panty the best commercial used panty supplier out there!”

“Thank you, Ruthie, for joining us today.  Hmmm…I hate doing laundry.  You wouldn’t happen to be hiring, would you?”