Ha!  I just read her comment on Preparation…sneaky indeed, hiding those fishnets under army pants!  I found them, though, after arriving late and giving myself a quick scrub up in her tiny bathroom!  I have to confess, though, that I was unable to rip the fishnets!  I tried, but they were made out of a stretchy nylon that wouldn’t budge, despite my He-Man efforts.  So, anxious to get to the pussy, I just peeled them off of her, and tied them around my head like a bandanna.  I think that’s what Steve Perry would have done with a non-cooperating accessory!

I’m horny as hell by this point, so I commence licking.  Then I discover that I can’t sing whilst horny…or with my face in someone’s crotch.  I can sing, really I can!  Why a homeless man once gave me his sandwich in the New York City subway to thank me for singing Amazing Grace for him…but I’m afraid I failed miserably at serenading a pussy!

Thank god, though, she whipped out my purple penis, which, of course, restored my masculine pride and prowess; I left feeling quite the little stud.

BTW, I don’t think I can do Alice Cooper.

Ok, so I wasn’t really going to push forward with the joke about Silver’s backpack, but I did get my hands on its contents the other day…and, well, let’s just say I can’t resist!

1.  flashlight

2.  pee pads (she’s always prepared for potentially messy sex)

3.  bag of make-up

4.  toothbrush

5.  book (something on martial arts, I believe)

6.  highlighter

7.  pens

8.  2 bottles of sunscreen

9.  2 bottles of lube (she must be planning on sex in the sunshine)

10.  the RocketChick (a G-spot toy and vibrator all in one…beautiful shade of purple)

11.  the strap-on (I’m touched that she carries around my purple penis)

12.  dirty movies (on loan from our dear friend Ruthie, whom I’m sad to say is moving)

13.  3 mini-vibrators (that’s preparedness!!!!)

14.  2 cookbooks

Honestly, I’m not making this one up…she’s a walking kink shop.  Lucky me!!!

I am such a mess, dear readers, both my husband and my E are sick and I haven’t gotten laid in days…I find my mind wandering into all kinds of sordid fantasies as a result. I just don’t have the time to masturbate as much as a horny MILF such as myself needs to, especially when my partners are unavailable. My once beloved Xtube is getting terribly boring and SWG hasn’t been posting nearly often enough. (Yes, I’m nagging again…get used to it)

I guess I still have some old childhood hangups about masturbating, don’t ask me why. My mother actually told me never to touch my private parts…craziness. I started touching them AFTER I had an encounter with a boy and quickly figured out how to give myself an orgasm at the tender age of 13. Even amongst my girlfriends masturbation was a taboo I remember trying to explain what an orgasm was at a slumber party with in the context of doing it with a boy, too ashamed to admit I’d discovered the trick on my own…it wasn’t until college I felt like I could have a frank discussion about it and by then I was the local Dr. Ruth, dishing out all the sex advice my dorm-mates could ever ask for.

Anyway, I digress…I still feel weird, like right now, as much as I’d like to unsheathe my rock chick vibrator and go to town in the living room while the kids and husband are asleep, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even though my husband and I talk about it from time to time I still think he’d be scandalized if he actually caught me doing it! And let’s not even talk about the kids. I already had to stammer my way through an explanation of what my strap on harness was when I took it out of the laundry! Years of therapy, I’m sure!!

So here I am, fantasizing about Sultans and Belly Dancers, Prison Teachers and Old Flames…And taking more Vitamin C than the human body can handle because I’M NOT GETTING SICK!!!

So Joe vanished for a few days, and the next thing I know THIS shows up in my in-box!  I was like, “Wait a minute…I know that nipple…I know that tattoo!”  Silver, would you care to explain yourself?  What’s Joe doing squeezing your nipples?

My husband demands that his doll be returned fully clothed and with his dignity intact!

Alright,  so here was the scene when my husband walked into the bedroom.  Joe was stroking my creamy white ass, and Silver had just made a daring escape down the wisteria covered trellis located beneath my bedroom window.  (ALRIGHT…so that part I made up…shoot me!)

My husband is shocked by my behavior.  “E, how could you play with my doll!  You bought him for ME, remember?  You left me a note saying how such an awesome husband deserved a better man doll than Ken around the house!  And here I come home and find you frolicking with Joe by yourself!  You just wanted him for yourself, didn’t you?  Admit it!”

“No really, hun…I was just…ummm…getting warmed up for ya!   But you’re right, maybe I’ve been bad!  Perhaps you and Joe could spank me?”

Joe was all for it, even after the workout that Silver and I just gave him…of course I kept that part to myself.  So Joe and my husband took turns spanking me!  Oh, the indecency of it all…my bottom is still red!

My husband couldn’t resist taking the pictures…it was part of my punishment.

Joe went apeshit when I donned the animal print bra.  We decided to put those huge hands to work on nipple play.  For the finale, though, I requested some anal sex.

Again, Joe was all for it, but he got tangled up in my thong…one of the distinct disadvantages of being only 11 inches tall.  My husband had to help him out of this one.  Yes, this was the awkward moment of the whole evening, but we all learned a valuable lesson!

“So, E…what have we learned today?” asked Joe as he rested on my bosom.

“Well, gee Joe…I guess it would be that it’s better to remove a thong before initiating anal sex?  And some lube would have helped, too!”

“It’s good that you’ve learned your lesson!”

“Yes, now I know,” I sighed.

“And knowing is half the battle.”

Shhhhh…don’t tell our husbands…but Silver and I did a threesome with Joe.  W didn’t intend to, things just got out of hand one quiet, rainy Superbowl Sunday.  Here’s what happened:

Silver came over to my house after work.  My daughter was in bed, and my husband had volunteered to do some extra hours at work (so that the other guys could watch the Superbowl).  We don’t own a TV and we’re not sports fans at all, so Superbowl Sunday means absolutely nothing to us.  My mind was on pussy…not football!

She waltzes in my house with her barista uniform on, and then announces that, sadly, she’s just started her period!  “Thwarted by nature, ” I hissed, but quickly recovered my creative spirit.

“No matter, my love, there’s plenty of fun things that we can do!”  I enticed her upstairs with promises of rubbing her poor, swollen menstrual ankles.  We flopped on the bed and started making out, when I noticed HE was staring at us.

Joe was sitting on my husband’s dresser, his legs crossed and his camouflage shirt riding up to expose chiseled abs.  He’s the silent type…just stares with big fixed eyes.  Silver was moaning underneath me, so I thought the time was ripe to introduce a third party.

“Look who’s watching us!”  I say to her and point toward him.  “Allow me to introduce you to Joe.”

“What’s he doing in here?” she asked.  “Shouldn’t he be in your daughter’s room?”

“No, he belongs to my husband…just a little something I picked up last week.  What do you say about playing with Joe, babe?”

“I don’t know…” she pondered, looking him up and down.  “He’s awfully short!”

“Eleven inches to be precise!  But check out those hands…they’re fucking huge!  I guess he was meant to hold a gun, but I bet he could grab a clit with no problem!”

“You’re insane!”  she laughed.  “You want to fuck a toy?”

“Baby, we fuck toys all the time!   Some are silicon, some are shaped like penises…this one just happens to be shaped like a studly soldier with anatomically incorrect hands!  Imagine what we can get him to do!”  I tossed him on the bed.

“Should we make him strip?”

Two hours later, and we’re both lounging on my bed, Joe in between us.  The rest of the world was celebrating a sports victory, while we were congratulating ourselves on an excellent threesome.  “He wasn’t bad, ” Silver mused. 

“Yes, I agree…and the best part is we didn’t have to listen to him talk afterwards  Guys are so bad about that!”

“Uh-huh!  But wait, I hear the lock on your door rattling…”

“Shit, my husband’s home early!!!!”

“Quick, hide Joe!”

(Stay tuned and I will reveal tomorrow what happens when my husband finds out about Joe!  It’s horrible…gruesome…perverted…and I’ve got pictures to prove it!)

Many of you may recall that I purchased a Princess Leia outfit for Halloween this year.  The husband and I had a marvelous time using it for role play.  Well, for Christmas this year we decided to donn our Princess Leia and Han Solo outfits for the family, as a joke on my nephew who’s a total Star Wars geek at age 4.  The gag was we were going to show up at my brother’s house “in character” asking for the young jedi knight.

All went off according to plan.  We stopped at a road side rest stop en route to put our outfits on.  While there, an older gent from South Carolina saw us and apparently thought we were Mary and Joseph going to act out a live nativity.  (I always suspected that the Force completely overlooked South Carolina, and I’ve yet to be proven otherwise!)  When we reached our destination, my nephew gave us 5 minutes of awe for our efforts, before moving on to something else.  Kids!

I accidently left the wig at my brother’s house, which didn’t feel like a horrid loss at first since the Leia buns were starting to show some wear and tear from all the sex play.  I find out a couple weeks later, though, that my sister-in-law has worn it a few times!  Really, what kind of woman wears another woman’s role-playing wig?  It’s possible she thought it was a simple Halloween outfit, but I would swear my husband let the cat out of the bag when he announced his Han Solo outfit still smelled like titty from the strip club.

So I get a package from my sister-in-law today returning a few other items that we left at their house over Christmas.  She included a note card apologizing for the fact that she hadn’t returned the wig.  Turns out her sister from Ohio came to visit and wanted to “borrow” the wig so that she could make some “pictures” for her husband.  Ok, so my wig is now in Ohio, and probably being put to use in all sorts of freaky Ohio people nonsense!

I’ve never had to yell at someone for stealing a wig before, so I’m hoping she’ll respond to reason when I call Ohio and demand that the wig be returned.  I’m planning on politely suggesting she buy her own Leia wig for sexual purposes.  May the Force protect her if I don’t like her response!

I guess I should have known from all the stories of E’s wild Barbie play that if I gave her a plastic penis it would be all over.  Yet still, I wandered over to the “dirty sex store” and picked out a big beautiful purple silicone penis just for her.  When I saw it hanging there on the rack, all alone, I knew she would look oh so hot in purple.

So one night at the Bachelor Pad I presented it to her and she smiled wickedly.  I could tell she knew exactly what she was going to do with it.  I helped her adjust the harness and secure her new cock in place.  I wish I could describe exactly how beautiful she looked weilding that purple penis.  The black leather harness has a silver butterfly just over the spot where the cock goes, a little touch of feminine for the girls who like to strap it on.

As gorgeous and graceful as she looked, Mistress E could not resist letting her inner man take over.  She put her hands on her hips and started waving it around.  “I just don’t know how men get anything done with these things, if I had one I’d be playing with it all the time.”  She grabbed hold of it and starting spraying imaginary pee, “And I’d piss every where too.  How fun it would be to write my name!  Too bad The Batchelor’s not here, I’d joust him!”

I watched her from the bed, horrified.  “Um, E, could you just fuck me please?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry Silver.”

At least there is one good thing about having a girl friend who loves to strap it on, I get to take her cock home with me and play with it whenever I want.

(I got inspired for this one after my daughter told me a few weeks ago that I play better after I’ve had some champagne.  Yea, she asked her father to go buy me a bottle so that I’d play Barbies with her!  Go figure!)

Daughter:  Mommy, can I fill your glass up for ya?

Mommy:  No baby (hiccup)…I’m good!  Now which Barbie am I playing with again?  They’re all starting to look alike, these blond bitches!

Daughter:  You’re Malibu Barbie, and you’ve just come back from the ball at the castle.

Mommy:  So I probably need to change clothes, right?  Woohoo!  Let’s get naked, Barbie!

Daughter:  Mom, stop playing with her boobies!  No, she doesn’t need to change clothes AGAIN.  Play right!

Mommy:  I AM playing right.  I thought the whole point was to change their clothes.  I mean really, they can’t sit around chatting about physics can they?  Where’s Ken?  Let’s see how he looks in drag!

Daughter:  Dad, she’s not playing right!!  Bring her some more champagne!  Now listen, you just came back from the ball, and Ken’s your prince.

Mommy:  “He’s not my type!”  Yea, you go Malibu!  Ken’s a sissy!  We wants ourselves a big, black Man Barbie…yea, one that actually has genitals!  Fuck Ken!

Daughter:  Dad!  Mommy said fuck again!  She knows she’s not supposed to say fuck, cause fuck is a bad word, and fuck can get you in big trouble at school!  So make her play right!

Mommy:  “Yea, Ken, you know you want it up the ass, don’t ya?”  “Stop teasing me, Malibu!”  “Come on and whine some more, sissy boy!”  “Take that!”  “No, you take that!”  Whoa…watch them go at it!  Damn, if Ken had genitals, she would have just kicked his nuts clean up into his throat.  I love playing Barbies!

Ah, it was yet another busy weekend for Silver and I…trying to balance our party schedule with mommy time can be challenging you know!  But after tucking in the families on Saturday night, we took off to a sex toy party, where the wonders of modern sex science were demonstrated before our very eyes.

I wasn’t very impressed with the mechanical “blowjobber”…really guys, how hard is it to find a woman (or man for that matter) to suck on your dick!  The nipple suction device got oohs and ahhs from the rest of the crowd, but as two moms who breastfed kids, we just had to laugh at that one.  Hand-held breastmilk pumps are probably cheaper anyway, and don’t require batteries.

My biggest revelation of the evening came, though, during the spanking/flogging demonstration, when the Dominant explained how to use “dry” cold to sooth welts made from the paddle or other implement of pain.  He whipped out a bag of flour from the freezer and put it on the recipient’s red, beaten ass.  “Flour in the freezer?” I said to myself.  “That’s such common sense.  It would keep the bugs out!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

I used to bake quite a bit, but got tired of losing bags of expensive organic flour to pesky bugs!  None of my baking books ever mentioned freezing the flour.  Duh!  Why am I always the last to know these things?  Now, thanks to a semi-professional sexpert, I can bake again!