Finally my computer has recovered from it’s coffee hangover and better late than never I present a picture of my glow in the black lighting fishnets. E says she can always count on my outfits to be “on theme” but I must admit that night I really got it right! It was so fun to wear my swim dress out and the fishnets were the perfect accessory! I felt like the belle of the ball that night for sure!

Sometimes I feel weird about wearing fishnets. I guess it is kind of old fashioned of me, but they seem a bit on the slutty side. E said anytime is a good time for fishnets but she’s biased, LOL! Then I saw a young teen girl wearing hot pink fishnets and I started thinking…well, what was edgy when I was a kid is just plain mainstream now.

I got to be on the other side of the coin and fondle someone else’s fishnets at a party last week. It was awesome!! Now I have decided they are going to become a regular part of my evening wear repertoire for good. There are a few pairs now stuffed into my underwear drawer with my sex toy collection because it took me a while to find these and I kept buying back up pairs. As you can see they make my legs look pretty darn nice, so I’ve given up any kind of false sense of propriety for style!

Now of course my visions and fantasies are starting to go wild…Can’t you just see a great big Chick Orgy full of nothing but women of all shapes and sizes wearing all different colored fish net stockings?! At the very least it would make for an exquisite photograph.

Ok, so I’ve been playing with the beard trimmer for the past two nights, and I still haven’t managed to complete the task.  The first night that I swore I was going to shave my husband’s pubic hair, I was thwarted by the fact that the trimmer had to charge for 16 hours before it could be used.  Ok…so I just fucked him instead.

Next evening he comes home, though, eager for his shave!  Apparently the wait had upped the excitement level.  I experiment on myself first, giving my bush a nice post-modern crew cut down to the clit level, and shaving everything else smooth.  It looks great!  But the power used for my trim exhausted the supply.  He comes up to the bathroom, champagne glass in hand, and asks if it’s his turn.

“Well,” I replied, “we have a problem.  It needs to be charged again!”

“What?” he groaned.  “What’s a man gotta do to get shaved around here?”

I apologized for sucking up all the power, but he still had to taunt me a little, saying that he guessed he was just going to have to put an ad on Craig’s List for a woman who could shave him.  In rebuttal, I plugged the trimmer back in, and fucked him senseless again…this time sitting on his face and making him lick my freshly shaven pussy.  I can be very forceful when provoked!

After we were done, I went to check the trimmer, and behold…it started working again!  Thinking that it was fully charged, I commenced the operation on his pubic hair.  He submitted quite easily, as the champagne and sex had mellowed him out.  As fate would have it, though, I only got half way through before the trimmer died again.  Oops!  I tucked him into bed with promises of finishing tonight.

If I were a big burly guy, I probably would have been arrested long ago for stalking women.  Being female, five foot tall, and rather pixie looking,  though, I guess no one perceives me as a threat.  That allows me to show up repeatedly at, oh say, Valvoline, to check out the mechanics…or to follow belly dancers from gig to gig…or even, say, to try to e-mail strippers.  They all just think I’m gosh-darn cute!  And I suppose since my fascinations stay in the healthy range,  I am harmlessly cute in my eccentricities!

So my latest thing is checking out nail shops for the perfect Asian esthetician to do my spring pedicure.  I’m a foot fetishist, as many of you know, so pedicures are definitely an erotic experience for me.  While living in New York City, I became enamoured of the Asian nail experience, which was an easy fantasy to indulge in, as Asian nail parlors in NY are plentiful and cheap.  It’s harder to find a cute Asian esthetician where I live now, so I knew my fantasy was going to require more prep work this year.

I went into two beauty parlors near where I work last week, but only succeeded in finding a big busted Dolly Parton type (I’m saving her for the next time I need my eye brows plucked…that way the boobs will be closer to my face!)  I did find an Asian owned parlor closer to my house, though, and I have waltzed in several times feigning interest in a walk-in appointment when they were clearly, already busy.  This tactic has garnered me business cards from two very cute Asian ladies. 

The plan now is to wait for the weather to warm up just a bit more so that I can wear  my animal print sun dress (no underwear) and wooden Candies.   I’ll arrive early for my appointment and skim through a few issues of Cosmo (only to look at the scantily clad models).  Then when she’s ready for me, I’ll climb upon the high pedicure chair, placing my happy feet at working level.  I’ll have to pull my dress up above my knees so that she can exfoliate my calves.  She probably won’t notice that I’m not wearing underwear, but I’ll know, of course (he!he!)

I’ll then rest my back against the chair massagers, and watch the top of her head as she works on my feet.  I’ll imagine, of course, that after a while she grows tired of rubbing my feet and wants to lick my pussy.  “How convenient that I wore no underwear!” I would say to her.  Of course, while she’s licking my pussy, someone else would have to finish my feet.  That’s like the ultimate threesome fantasy for me…one chick licking my pussy and the other rubbing my feet.  The one on my feet gets so excited that she starts licking my toes, running her tongue in between the toes.  Ahhhh…bliss!

Oh hurry springtime, so that I can make my appointment!  I promise I’ll post pictures of my newly adorned toes.

Alright, after making fun of Silver’s backpack yesterday, I have to confess that I cleaned my own bag out last night and was startled at some of the things that I found.  The cleaning was a forced issue, as a jar of honey had leaked.  Here’s what I found:

1.  A jar of honey (I’ve been a honey freak since childhood…I put it in tea all the time)

2.  A pile of receipts that will never make it into my checking ledger (NEXT year is my year to embark on fiscal responsibility)

3.  Two disposable thongs which I shoplifted from the corset shop

4.  Numerous sticky note pads (I just love those for nagging people)

5.  Cleaning supplies for my glasses

6.  Victoria Secret coupon for a free pair of panties and 10% off a bra

7.  Boston Market coupons for buy one lunch, get one free  (I’m saving those for Silver)

8.  Tube of chocolate flavored hand lotion

9.  Make-up and 10 varieties of lip gloss (my lips are always prepared)

10. Business cards for a friend’s erotic massage business (I think I’m supposed to be handing those out to people)

11.  Pens that I’ve swiped from various retail establishments

12.  Papers, cough drops, panty liners, and tampons

13.  A roll of quarters that I swiped from the copier at my college (God, I’m realizing I’m a  thief…I’ve used the word swiped too many times here)

14.  A copy of The Catcher in the Rye by Salinger

15.  Oh, and my wallet!

Silver, can I have some salt and pepper on my crow?

While waiting for Silver to finish cleaning her house so that she can post sexy corset pictures, I was reading the current issue of Prevention magazine this morning, where I saw a list of germy “Hot Spots” that each of us face daily.  Here’s news for all you people out there who like to fuck vacuums:  the household vacuum cleaner is listed as a harbor of bacteria!  Yuck! 

This got me started thinking about what things (if any) grossed me out with regards to sex.  Obviously the whole vacuum thing is kind of gross to me.  Really…there’s sexier household appliances, people!  Give the dryer a try for vibration!  Gross is always relative, of course.  Why just a few weeks ago I was telling a guy buddy of mine about eating the honey and apples off the model at the sex party, and he thought that was gross and germy.  “But dude, ” I replied, “she tasted good!  I regret not hopping up on the table and licking her clean with my tongue.”

So to each his own, I guess.  I have no problem with sex in public restrooms.  Butt play thrills me.  I’d happily pee on someone or get peed on myself.  I don’t like having sex with women when they’re having their period, but that’s out of respect for Mother Nature and the process, not because I mind blood.  I love human anatomy, and would happily suck, lick, or touch any of our collective parts.  So what grosses me out?

Pain, degradation, damaging our lovely human anatomy…and I guess vacuum cleaners!

Ok, once again, I’m fascinated by some of the crazy things that people search for…someone got to our site by searching “erotic fishing picture”.  I duplicated the search in Google Images, just cause I was curious as all hell to find out if erotic fishing pictures really existed.  Turns out the European branch of the Zebco fishing reel company does an erotic fishing calendar each year.  Here’s part of what they had to say about their calendar:  “The calendar is in no way crude, sexist or degrading to women, but merely something to enthuse all anglers with a taste for the erotic.  And the curvy females are not the only attraction. There are also some
fantastic fish on view, including enormous carp and catfish.”

I really don’t think there’s much I can add to that…I’m going to go try and masturbate whilst thinking of enormous carp.  Wish me luck!

Last night was a prolific dream night for me.  As many of you might suspect, my dreams are frequently sexual…they also frequently involve food.  Sometimes I confuse the two themes and I’m doing shit like fucking squash and then eating people.  Anyway, last night’s dream scape involved a salad bar, but instead of salad, the bar was covered with my favorite lingerie off former and current lovers.  The smorgasbord included the red fishnet stockings that Silver wore for Valentine’s Day, the black silk boxers that I just bought for my husband, Silver’s gray corset and garter set, Ruthie’s black socks (long story), and the Bachelor’s belt…yes, if any of you hadn’t already figured that one out, the Bachelor and I used to be lovers…that was back before he spent so much time with Buddy.

So I approached the lingerie buffet eagerly, as I had just robbed a bank and was quite famished.  Instead of a plate, I had a laundry basket.  I filled the basket, headed to a low Japanese table close to the floor, and dumped my feast out before me.  I started with Silver’s red fishnets and the hubbie’s boxers, as those two items have been on my mind a number of times lately.  I sniffed both languidly and proceeded to eat them, savouring the texture of each.  I moved on to Ruthie’s socks, which required salt and butter.  Ruthie’s a vegan with a clean system, so her clothes don’t have much flavor.  Then I gnawed on the Bachelor’s belt for a while, which kind of tasted like overdone jerky.

I finished off my delicous meal with the gray corset and garters…dessert, if you will.  I flossed my teeth with the disposable thong, still conveniently in my purse, and then sat back to digest and plot my next bank robbery.

Alright,  so here was the scene when my husband walked into the bedroom.  Joe was stroking my creamy white ass, and Silver had just made a daring escape down the wisteria covered trellis located beneath my bedroom window.  (ALRIGHT…so that part I made up…shoot me!)

My husband is shocked by my behavior.  “E, how could you play with my doll!  You bought him for ME, remember?  You left me a note saying how such an awesome husband deserved a better man doll than Ken around the house!  And here I come home and find you frolicking with Joe by yourself!  You just wanted him for yourself, didn’t you?  Admit it!”

“No really, hun…I was just…ummm…getting warmed up for ya!   But you’re right, maybe I’ve been bad!  Perhaps you and Joe could spank me?”

Joe was all for it, even after the workout that Silver and I just gave him…of course I kept that part to myself.  So Joe and my husband took turns spanking me!  Oh, the indecency of it all…my bottom is still red!

My husband couldn’t resist taking the pictures…it was part of my punishment.

Joe went apeshit when I donned the animal print bra.  We decided to put those huge hands to work on nipple play.  For the finale, though, I requested some anal sex.

Again, Joe was all for it, but he got tangled up in my thong…one of the distinct disadvantages of being only 11 inches tall.  My husband had to help him out of this one.  Yes, this was the awkward moment of the whole evening, but we all learned a valuable lesson!

“So, E…what have we learned today?” asked Joe as he rested on my bosom.

“Well, gee Joe…I guess it would be that it’s better to remove a thong before initiating anal sex?  And some lube would have helped, too!”

“It’s good that you’ve learned your lesson!”

“Yes, now I know,” I sighed.

“And knowing is half the battle.”

Shhhhh…don’t tell our husbands…but Silver and I did a threesome with Joe.  W didn’t intend to, things just got out of hand one quiet, rainy Superbowl Sunday.  Here’s what happened:

Silver came over to my house after work.  My daughter was in bed, and my husband had volunteered to do some extra hours at work (so that the other guys could watch the Superbowl).  We don’t own a TV and we’re not sports fans at all, so Superbowl Sunday means absolutely nothing to us.  My mind was on pussy…not football!

She waltzes in my house with her barista uniform on, and then announces that, sadly, she’s just started her period!  “Thwarted by nature, ” I hissed, but quickly recovered my creative spirit.

“No matter, my love, there’s plenty of fun things that we can do!”  I enticed her upstairs with promises of rubbing her poor, swollen menstrual ankles.  We flopped on the bed and started making out, when I noticed HE was staring at us.

Joe was sitting on my husband’s dresser, his legs crossed and his camouflage shirt riding up to expose chiseled abs.  He’s the silent type…just stares with big fixed eyes.  Silver was moaning underneath me, so I thought the time was ripe to introduce a third party.

“Look who’s watching us!”  I say to her and point toward him.  “Allow me to introduce you to Joe.”

“What’s he doing in here?” she asked.  “Shouldn’t he be in your daughter’s room?”

“No, he belongs to my husband…just a little something I picked up last week.  What do you say about playing with Joe, babe?”

“I don’t know…” she pondered, looking him up and down.  “He’s awfully short!”

“Eleven inches to be precise!  But check out those hands…they’re fucking huge!  I guess he was meant to hold a gun, but I bet he could grab a clit with no problem!”

“You’re insane!”  she laughed.  “You want to fuck a toy?”

“Baby, we fuck toys all the time!   Some are silicon, some are shaped like penises…this one just happens to be shaped like a studly soldier with anatomically incorrect hands!  Imagine what we can get him to do!”  I tossed him on the bed.

“Should we make him strip?”

Two hours later, and we’re both lounging on my bed, Joe in between us.  The rest of the world was celebrating a sports victory, while we were congratulating ourselves on an excellent threesome.  “He wasn’t bad, ” Silver mused. 

“Yes, I agree…and the best part is we didn’t have to listen to him talk afterwards  Guys are so bad about that!”

“Uh-huh!  But wait, I hear the lock on your door rattling…”

“Shit, my husband’s home early!!!!”

“Quick, hide Joe!”

(Stay tuned and I will reveal tomorrow what happens when my husband finds out about Joe!  It’s horrible…gruesome…perverted…and I’ve got pictures to prove it!)

I tried putting these in my previous post, as the quote about male goats getting turned on by watching females mount each other just screams for visuals!  My computer at home apparently had moral objections to these pictures, though, and wouldn’t touch them.  Thank god my office computer has no such scrupples!  I think I spot teets on the observer goat, so this is probably a female watching another couple.

This scene looks far more fun for everyone involved…except perhaps the little gal on bottom.  Yikes!