I am such a mess, dear readers, both my husband and my E are sick and I haven’t gotten laid in days…I find my mind wandering into all kinds of sordid fantasies as a result. I just don’t have the time to masturbate as much as a horny MILF such as myself needs to, especially when my partners are unavailable. My once beloved Xtube is getting terribly boring and SWG hasn’t been posting nearly often enough. (Yes, I’m nagging again…get used to it)

I guess I still have some old childhood hangups about masturbating, don’t ask me why. My mother actually told me never to touch my private parts…craziness. I started touching them AFTER I had an encounter with a boy and quickly figured out how to give myself an orgasm at the tender age of 13. Even amongst my girlfriends masturbation was a taboo I remember trying to explain what an orgasm was at a slumber party with in the context of doing it with a boy, too ashamed to admit I’d discovered the trick on my own…it wasn’t until college I felt like I could have a frank discussion about it and by then I was the local Dr. Ruth, dishing out all the sex advice my dorm-mates could ever ask for.

Anyway, I digress…I still feel weird, like right now, as much as I’d like to unsheathe my rock chick vibrator and go to town in the living room while the kids and husband are asleep, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even though my husband and I talk about it from time to time I still think he’d be scandalized if he actually caught me doing it! And let’s not even talk about the kids. I already had to stammer my way through an explanation of what my strap on harness was when I took it out of the laundry! Years of therapy, I’m sure!!

So here I am, fantasizing about Sultans and Belly Dancers, Prison Teachers and Old Flames…And taking more Vitamin C than the human body can handle because I’M NOT GETTING SICK!!!

Today is HNT on my main blog…so I didn’t write much.  But I am having some serious issues with being horny constantly.  I got my new toy yesterday and I am dissappointed!!  My hand (and that cucumber) sure does a better job.

I did, however, use it and get off.  But it isn’t intense enough for me.  I am kinda like Eroticego in the fact I need some industrial strength power behind my vibration.  I didn’t pay much for the toy so that is good, but I am still in hunt for a good dildo.  I have seen a few that I thought were pretty cute/neat….But it always goes back to my first love, the good old rabbit.  Maybe I will just get one of those….Any suggestions?

 

Lollie

So after fooling around in E’s car I got thinking about strange places I’ve done it.  I always felt like I hadn’t done it much but I guess there are a lot of people in this world who have never done it outside of a house.  So here’s a few of my favorites:

1.  In public parks.  This one I’ve done a few times.  One of my favorite memories is being bent over a fallen tree by my boyfriend in high school.  It was always kind of a “witchy” thing to have sex outside.  I initiated my husband into the realm of doing it in the park on Beltane a few years ago.  He was so nervous but now counts it as one of his favorite sexual experiences ever.  Note: whenever I’ve done this was usually in broad daylight.

2.  Behind the primary school I went to.  This one was weird, I don’t know what exactly inspired us to do it, except that it was nearby and guaranteed to be deserted.  I also did it in a car of the parking lot at the same place.  I didn’t have any great experiences in school there so it was kind of like thumbing my nose at the system while simulaneously injecting some good memories into my formative years.

3. In an elevator.  I always fantasized about this and my boyfriend at the time decided to make it happen.  He scoped out a spot, I don’t even know exactly where it was, some office park.  It wasn’t the best sex ever, we couldn’t exactly figure out how to get the door to stop opening.  But at least I can say I did it.

4.  Houses under construction.  This one was actually my favorite.  There were a lot of little sections of homes being built near where I lived when I was a teen.  I used to take unsuspecting boys over there and we’d climb through the houses and fool around.  They were great places to park as well.  I really loved having sex in cars.

Here are some from Playboy’s 10 Essential Places to Have Sex that I have NOT done it (but would like to try):

1. In a pool (help me out here, E, wink)- the article mentions the scene in Showgirls but this makes me think of The L Word instead, anyone else?
2. On a train
3. In a nightclub- I get sooo horny when I go to a dancing it’s not even funny.  Someone suggested if the nightclub is crowded enough you can get away with it right out in the open.  I’m not sure any clubs around here get that crowded but there’s always the bathroom…
4. On a boat- I frequently stumble across amateur porn about this and I think it is sooo sexy.  Just make sure foreplay includes slathering sunscreen all over each other.
5. A Mile High- There’s a caveat here, the bathrooms in an airplane are by far the nastiest I’ve ever seen.  Unless I meet someone with a private plane I might not be joining the mile high club in this lifetime.

A couple places listed in there that I am not interested in trying:

1. The Cinema- this seems downright unoriginal.  I’d settle for a hand or blow job here.  In my old age I am getting a little worried about getting caught, too.  A friend of mine used to work in a movie theatre and said people (mostly teens) were doing it in there all the time.  Call me cheap but if I pay $9 to go in there, I’d better be watching the movie, LOL!
2. Back of a Cab- Despite my penchant for Voyeurism/Exhibitionism I doubt I’ll be doing this one.

It shouldn’t suprise anyone that Halloween (or Samhain to us witches) is my favorite holiday.  Okay, well, actually Beltaine the celebration of fertility (or really sexsexsex) is probably my favorite but we get to share All Hallows Eve with everyone which I find incredibly fun!!

This year I intend to have some serious adult fun and I want to have a really cool costume, one that shows off my sexy MILF self.  So I hope my faithful bloggers will share some ideas.  I thought of trying to convince E and our husbands to do some kind of theme costumes.

As I begin to write this, I’m not sure how it will go but I’m inspired to share about my first martial arts class.  My husband and kid have been taking the class for a few months, I wanted so badly to take it too but I worried about whether we could afford it, whether I could keep up, and what to do with kid #2.

So today I just freaking went for it.  Thing is, the teacher is like an 11 on the hotness scale.  How could he not be?  He’s in the peak of physical condition, of course.  But he’s also young and has long flowing hair…I could go on and on.  Anyway, my hub (who has a bit of a man-crush in his own right) TOLD HIM a couple months ago that I thought he was hot.  If I would’ve started the class sooner I would have round house kicked him for that one.

Now I’m all worried that I’m going to look like a giggling little schoolgirl in this very serious class.  Well, I don’t know how I looked but I felt FIERCE.  It’s like suddenly I knew I had to show him I am tougher than I look.  He even let me practice takedowns on him with a stick.  Feeling the power of being able to knock over a grown man felt pretty damn good.  I did blush when he called me curly girl but that was probably because he forgot my name.  (Or was he flirting with me?!?)

I know I didn’t do any better than anyone else on their first day but I came out feeling like one hot chick.  Someday I’ll be a force to be reckoned with…

Now if I can just figure out how to arrange some group sex with him and his beautiful wife…yes, she’s so cute.  A little thin for my taste but who wouldn’t want to f*ck a woman who can probably kill a 250lb man with her bare hands?

In conclusion, I can see that kicking ass in class is going to make me a beast in the bedroom later.  Can’t wait to practice takedowns on my husband…and Japanese knot tying…

I told my former boss to get a flogger for her lover today… I think this blog is beginning to affect my mind and my life in very strange ways.  I wish I would’ve told them to invite me along…

I wish my life was HALF as exciting as my imagination is becoming.  I still haven’t even found anyone to make out with in the bathroom, per eroticego’s advice.  Bryan is completely MIA as well as the sexy woman who told me I have a nice smile.  Sooner or later I will take a wild flight of fancy and write my phone number on someones cup.  All the youngsters I work with get hit on all the time and some days I feel like Grandma Moses, LOL!

Question is, does Darcy drink coffee?

Dear Girly,

As promised, I am giving you some of my pointers for how to pee outside.  I’m a hiker, so I’ve had ample chance to practice what I preach.  My two main concerns when I’m enjoying a good pee on the trail are: 1) keeping my boots dry, and 2) keeping my puss out of poison ivy.  Some women may be concerned about privacy, but personally I don’t care.  My ass is rather cute, so I’m inclined to think I probably look good squatting in the forest.

Staying dry is probably my chief concern.  My momma raised me to never head outdoors without a tissue or something stuffed in my pocket that could serve as a bit of toilet paper.  I’ve since learned to wear a panty liner when I’m hiking; that way I don’t need to wipe, but my panties won’t get all wet.

Keeping the boots dry requires more skill and dexterity.  The key is a wide squat!  You’ve got to spread your thighs real wide, Girly.  Yoga helps with all these little challenges in life.  I’m quite comfortable in a low squat.  Whilst in the wide squat, you’ve got to point your feet outwards.

Controlling the stream requires skill too.  Anyone who’s had a baby has prehaps heard of Kegel exercises.  Well, Kegels are good for all sorts of things.  They can help you control your vaginal muscles for better sex, AND more to the point here, they can help you learn to aim your pee and control the flow of the stream a bit.  Squeeze just a little and you can keep the stream from going all sideways on your hiking boots.  Another advantage to Kegels is greater control when peeing in urine sample cups!

As for the second concern, really try to pee in a spot with no vegetation.  I go for dead leaves or dirt.  If you can’t identify poison ivy, then you shouldn’t be hiking anyway.  The farther you are from vegetation, though, the less likely any creepy crawlies can climb into your pubic hair.  Ticks kind of gross me out, so I’m definitely careful where I squat down.  To this day, I have yet to acquire a bite on my butt!

If I’ve left out anything, please feel free to ask.  I wish you many blissful hiking trips.  May you never have to hold it until finding a bathroom!

Love, Eroticego

Quote from: Lingerielicious

Did you know that an electric toothbrush vibrates at the speed most likely to produce an orgasm?

Ponder that for a while.

Okay, so the love van story inspires me to ask, do people actually have sex in public bathrooms? And how often does this happen? Are there people who are so turned on that they can actually put out of their minds that it’s, well, a bathroom?

I probably have a warped opinion of public bathrooms because my mother was ultra-paranoid about them (maybe she knew people were having sex in there). She told me that if we didn’t put paper on the seat that we would turn into the stinky, dirty, unshaven homeless man we saw in the mall that time. Hey, we were little kids, that can put the scare into you.

I have also found that in the bathroom at the coffee shop where I work, when you’re trying to go to the bathroom it almost never fails that someone knocks on the door. They often think you have to have a key to get in there or something. So I holler out “I’m in here,” as loud as I can. Lets give them the benefit of the doubt and say maybe they can’t hear me through the fart fan. A few seconds later they knock again. How can they expect me to go to the bathroom while they’re out there knocking on the door? Am I to believe that people can actually have sex in that environment? And we’re not even talking about performance anxiety, some people can’t even pee if they think someone can hear them.

Well let’s pretend there’s not enough customers in this particular coffee shop to worry about someone knocking on the door. Then I’m thinking, if Candy and Missy are as hot and heavy as you say they are, then Joe couldn’t possibly be so clueless. Sex between man and woman can be contained if so desired. But sex between two women is wet and messy and musky and delicious. If they didn’t come out of that bathroom smelling like animals in heat, they were doing something wrong! Oh wait, Joe is a self absorbed man, how could I forget?

Meanwhile I’d like to start a movement to keep the public sex in cars, the woods, elevators, movie theatres, and back alleys and *out* of public bathrooms. Thank you.

After waging yet another day of war against the collective identity crisis of women, El Punto G rests her weary super-heroine self.  She needs ambiance to do anything, so the lights are low and the incense burns.  Her pragmatic side-kick Clit sits at her post.

“Why am I here?” moans El Punto.  “I battle the evils of disbelief every day, and they STILL deny my existence!”

“You’re too much trouble.”

“Too much trouble?  That’s rich, coming from a little easy thing like yourself.  A few quick rubs and you give them what they want!  It’s a cheap thrill!  I make them work for it, sure, but I’m the source!  I am pleasure itself!  I should be revered and pursued…worshipped like the Goddess herself.”

“But instead, you sit here whining existential nonsense…and in a red superhero cape sporting a Spanish name no less!”

“Hey, some of the best instructional videos ever made about how to find me come from Spain.  I honor that!”

“Well, like I said, you’re too much trouble.  Why would any women pursue something so elusive?”

“Ahh…maybe that’s it!  I exist to force them to delve deep!”

“You’re not battling the identity crisis…you are the crisis!”

“Go rub yourself!!!!!!”

The bickering continued long into the night, pausing only for estrogen release breaks courtesy of the macrocosmic mother.  Join us next time when El Punto decides to instigate revolution and Clit ponders side-kicking for a different body part.