Burning Question

A dear reader found us by searching on the question: “Do Asian massage parlours masturbate you?”  Well, semantically speaking, only YOU can “masturbate you”, but I understand the intent of the question and I’d like to throw in my two cents based on experience.

I have worked in two Asian massage parlors in the U.S., and although they would never openly admit it due to legalities, it was common for male clients to receive “release” of some kind as part of the service.  As far as I knew, this almost always came in the form of a hand job and big monetary tips were expected in exchange.  At the parlor in New York City (and this was several years ago), it was customary to tip $50-75 over the regular massage charge for anything “special”.  Frankly, it would be cheaper to just whack yourself off!

Most states have massage laws preventing this kind of thing, but it’s hard to enforce something that goes on in a closed room between two individuals.  I was more idealistic right out of massage school, and was appalled when I found myself to be the only “legitimate” therapist on staff at the parlor in New York City.   The poor men who got me were offered deeper, more painful trigger point work when they asked for something “special”.  The Korean ladies made more money than me for less strenuous work, so in retrospect, I probably would have been wiser to whack off dicks for $50 a pop. 

So dear reader, my advice, if you are truly seeking such a place, is to ask around first.  It’s generally not hard to find out in any given city where the shady parlors are.  And when you go in, let them proposition you, because if you make the mistake of propositioning a legitimate therapist then you could be thrown out of a place…or suffer bone-crunching consequences at the hands of a petite roughian like myself 🙂

Sex in Unusual Locations

So after fooling around in E’s car I got thinking about strange places I’ve done it.  I always felt like I hadn’t done it much but I guess there are a lot of people in this world who have never done it outside of a house.  So here’s a few of my favorites:

1.  In public parks.  This one I’ve done a few times.  One of my favorite memories is being bent over a fallen tree by my boyfriend in high school.  It was always kind of a “witchy” thing to have sex outside.  I initiated my husband into the realm of doing it in the park on Beltane a few years ago.  He was so nervous but now counts it as one of his favorite sexual experiences ever.  Note: whenever I’ve done this was usually in broad daylight.

2.  Behind the primary school I went to.  This one was weird, I don’t know what exactly inspired us to do it, except that it was nearby and guaranteed to be deserted.  I also did it in a car of the parking lot at the same place.  I didn’t have any great experiences in school there so it was kind of like thumbing my nose at the system while simulaneously injecting some good memories into my formative years.

3. In an elevator.  I always fantasized about this and my boyfriend at the time decided to make it happen.  He scoped out a spot, I don’t even know exactly where it was, some office park.  It wasn’t the best sex ever, we couldn’t exactly figure out how to get the door to stop opening.  But at least I can say I did it.

4.  Houses under construction.  This one was actually my favorite.  There were a lot of little sections of homes being built near where I lived when I was a teen.  I used to take unsuspecting boys over there and we’d climb through the houses and fool around.  They were great places to park as well.  I really loved having sex in cars.

Here are some from Playboy’s 10 Essential Places to Have Sex that I have NOT done it (but would like to try):

1. In a pool (help me out here, E, wink)- the article mentions the scene in Showgirls but this makes me think of The L Word instead, anyone else?
2. On a train
3. In a nightclub- I get sooo horny when I go to a dancing it’s not even funny.  Someone suggested if the nightclub is crowded enough you can get away with it right out in the open.  I’m not sure any clubs around here get that crowded but there’s always the bathroom…
4. On a boat- I frequently stumble across amateur porn about this and I think it is sooo sexy.  Just make sure foreplay includes slathering sunscreen all over each other.
5. A Mile High- There’s a caveat here, the bathrooms in an airplane are by far the nastiest I’ve ever seen.  Unless I meet someone with a private plane I might not be joining the mile high club in this lifetime.

A couple places listed in there that I am not interested in trying:

1. The Cinema- this seems downright unoriginal.  I’d settle for a hand or blow job here.  In my old age I am getting a little worried about getting caught, too.  A friend of mine used to work in a movie theatre and said people (mostly teens) were doing it in there all the time.  Call me cheap but if I pay $9 to go in there, I’d better be watching the movie, LOL!
2. Back of a Cab- Despite my penchant for Voyeurism/Exhibitionism I doubt I’ll be doing this one.

Asian massage parlor

The age old negotiation begins:

A man walks into an Asian massage parlor.  A pleasant but serious looking Chinese woman beckons him into a bamboo lined room with a shiatsu mat on the floor.  He’s thinking he would have picked a younger, cuter masseuse, had one been available.  “This one probably has a lot of experience, though,” he muses.  She closes the door.

“What you want, huh?”  Her voice is shrill and authoritarian.  She taps her foot impatiently.

“Ahhhh, well…I was hoping for a “massage,” he does the quote signs with his fingers.

“What dis?”  She mimics his quote signs.  “You got problem?”

“No…mam…no problem at all.  I was just thinking a massage…you know, with a SPECIAL ending.”  He winks.

“You twitch too!  You got problem!”

“No, really I’m fine.  OK….maybe I should just go.  We don’t seem to be communicating too well.”

“Ohhhh, you go no where, white boy!  You pick from menu.”

“Menu?”

“One dollar, I touch your dick with pinky finger.  Add more dollar, I add more fingers.  Six dollar, I spit on hand for lube.  Ten dollar, I use lotion and yank hard.”

“So $10.00 for a hand job?  Is that what you’re saying?”

“Hand job?  You no listen!  You want hand job?  Fitteen dollar, I take hand and smack round eye boy ass real hard.  Make sting!”

“Wait!  How much to just jerk me off?  I don’t need smacked!”

“Ahhh, you need smack!  Twenty dollar I whack balls with ruler, make you say “More momma, more please!”

“Jesus Christ!  You’re not whacking anything on me with a ruler!”

“No ruler, huh?  You momma no make you be good boy?  Huh?  You sissy!  Nilly little round eye!  You need smack and den the puddy!  Fiddy dollar and I fix you good!”

“Puddy?  What the hell is a puddy?  I’m out of here!  You’re insane, lady!”  He makes for the door.

She grabs his arm.  Her grip is cold and piercing.  “You leave for now, but you NEED puddy.  When you ready to pay, you be back!  Maybe I only charge hundred dollar next time.”  Looking befuddled, he shakes loose from her grip, and runs out.

“Stupid round eye…he be back!”

Ode to Female Ejaculation

The story of El Punto G inspired me to write this poem, hope you enjoy it!

Elusive and ornery she lies at the edge of desire
Waiting for the right person to set her lake on fire.
The mystery opens if you hold the key;
Utter the secret words and prepare for the jubilee!

El Punto G guards the sacred enigma,
Despite her overrated stigma.
She awaits the secret handshake, patiently smiling
Curled in her corner most certainly beguiling.

Roughly take her by the hand
Massage just so, you understand.
Pleasure will overtake the macrocosmic mother
And she will forsake you for no other.

Streams of juice fall like rain
That quenches the drought and calms the pain.
Like a spell or a rain dance,
The pleasure flows, leaving her in trance.

Oh, the sacred river flows
Like an ancient mystic hose.
Find the spot that makes her howl,
Just don’t forget to put down a towel.