How much fun can I have with a beard trimmer?

I bought a beard trimmer to trim my pubic hair.  Granola Girl is in fits, but I’ve managed to bury her deep within my psyche for the time being!  Anyway, I’ve tried shaving my bikini line with razors before and I really only end up butchering myself.  Problem is, if I let everything grow out completely (as Granola Girl would have me do), then I feel like Sasquatch!  I don’t think Sasquatch gets much oral sex.

So the beard trimmer is an experiment in hair maintenance.  Theoretically it should allow me to shave all the parts that I like shaved (pubic lips and above the clit), and keep fuzzy all the parts that I like fuzzy (everything else).  It comes with all kinds of cool attachments, which makes it tempting to do designs and shit in my bush.  I thought of etching out a peace symbol.

It also occurred to me that I could trim other people…hmmm, like maybe the hubby!  He lets the hair above his cock grow out, and I’ve often wondered what it would look like shaved off.  I think tonight’s the night, ladies and gentlemen, that I find out.  He’s already agreed, in theory, to letting me shave him many times.  On the off chance that he changes his mind, though, I’ve already offered to take him out for beers tonight.  The plan will be to get him buzzed, and THEN suggest that I trim him up a bit before giving him a blow job!  Should work, wouldn’t ya think?

Come Back Granola Girl!

For those of you just joining us, Granola Girl is E’s alter ego or perhaps imaginary friend who is against types of body hair shaving.  We finally kicked her off the blog and tried to find ways to shave without too much razor burn and pain.  I started shaving just the little strip really close to my clit for more pleasureable oral sex for my partners.  So yesterday to my shock and horror I find a really big ingrown hair!!  All I can think about is my long awaited rendevous with E tonight, hoping for some serious pussy worship and now I have this horrible, ugly, ingrown hair.

So Granola Girl, I hang my head in shame for not taking your advice.  Even though summer is coming, I think I may have to go hairy hippy girl from here on out!

Come home Granola Girl!

Alright, Silver, you can let her return home now.  I hope she wasn’t too much trouble while I was away.  She’ll be happy to know that my pubic hair is getting long.  I stopped shaving at the beach, as my family sucked the will to fuck right out of me.  There’s even a few stray hairs on my big toes.

Wardobe Malfunction 101

I joke about my wardrobe malfunctions but I swear, I have more than my fair share.  Granola girl, feel free to say I told you so.  It was a little chilly this evening and all I had was a skirt to wear to work so I decided to wear my wolly cotton tights that haven’t seen daylight since last winter.  Well it wasn’t long before they started sliding down my ass.  I even had underwear on and it pulled them down with them.  Every 15 mintutes I had to run into the back room and hike up my drawers.  Thank goodness the skirt I was wearing was a long one, no one got to see my ass.  Although I do wonder if anybody ever monitors those security videos, that person got an eyefull!

Phone sex at the beach

Being the sexy genius that she is, Silver gave me a great idea today.  You see, I’m getting ready to leave for a family reunion at the beach, so I’ll be several days with no internet…and feeling like I’m stuck in a Brady Bunch episode.  My family doesn’t know that I’m bisexual OR polyamorous.  As far as they’re concerned, I’m just a raunchy mom who teaches teaches writing, plays cello, and does weird “hippie things.”  Little do they know that I’m a rockin’ sex blogger with a pagan girlfriend!

Silver suggested I sneak off for cell phone sex whilst at the beach, and I think that’s a marvelous idea!  I was thinking of sneaking off to the bathroom periodically in my Victoria Secret bikini.  My family is very clannish and tends to stick together like peanut butter, but it’s perfectly acceptable to claim “lengthy shit” time in the toilet.  That should give me just enough time to get Silver on the phone, and relay the naughty thoughts that won’t have an outlet any other way.

Now if I can just find a way to get my husband alone to lick chocolate Reddi-Whip off his dick, then I’ll be set.  Yes, Lollie, I have you to thank for that one 🙂

By the way, if anyone is looking for Granola Girl, I’ve got her locked in a mason jar for the week.  I caught her ripping up my panty hose while preaching about the evils of crotch sweat.  So, I jarred her and gave her a joint to work on while I’m away.  She’ll be fine really…I put nail holes in the lid.

To Shave or Not to Shave the Pussy

E and Granola Girl are right where my head’s been lately. I’ve seen one too many posts online that assert if you want to get oral sex, you better shave. Let me first say that I don’t mind eating a hairy pussy in the least. It is in it’s natural state and with simple daily washing, smells intoxicatingly wonderful. Ever since college I actually thought it was kinda endearing to watch my partners pull hairs our of their mouths. It doesn’t bother me to have to do it either.

Okay here’s the thing. I have been known to shave off the majority of my pubic hair in the past. But over time I found the irritation far worse than any enjoyment my partners or I might get from it. I abhor itching “down there” and the shaving and growing back seemed to cause incessant itching. And let’s not even talk about the accidental nicking…OUCH! I also felt embarrassingly like a little girl without pubic hair.

 

I’ve come to accept a happy medium, the beard trimmer. It keeps it short and all the sexy parts accessible without any irritation at all. I do it right before my shower, preferable the day before I expect to see some serious action so all strays are gone by then. The only problem I’ve encountered is the occasional velcro action between my husbands facial hair and my freshly trimmed pubes, that can get a bit interesting!

So Granola Girl, let’s split the difference and keep it neatly manicured, whaddya say?

 

Finger Fuckin’ Good

“Oh yes, baby!!!!  Right there!!!  Give me some firm pressure!  Work it…yea!”

“Shut up, will ya.  I’m trying to concentrate here, El Punto!  You’re squealing like a bitch that’s never been fucked before!  Now let’s see…I’ll rub you right here three times counterclockwise, and that should do the trick!”  Finger 2 held her breath in intense concentration.

El Punto G started twitching and flopping around like a fish.

“Hold still, bitch!  You’re hard enough to fuck when you’re standing still!  How am I supposed to do this with you moving around?”

“Ahhhhhhhhh…..Finger…..I’m feeling it!  Oh yea….I’M FEELING IT!”

Finger 2 quickened her pace, and started grabbing and pulling at El Punto with a maddening fury.  A few seconds more and a great flood of sweet, delicious fluid would be released…

Meanwhile, though…let’s move back outside.

“Is anything happening?” asked Clit.  “I keep expecting some drama here, and I’m just not getting excited.  Look at me…I’m as limp as a noodle!”

“Quiet!  Finger 2 just needs more time,” said Finger 1, now quite recovered from her romp with Clit.  “El Punto is hard to find, and even harder to work into orgasm.  Patience, dear Clit…patience!”

“Yes, I agree with Finger 1, “sighed Ass.  “We must be patient.  Does anyone know any good campfire songs?”

POOF.  “Did someone say “campfire”?”  Granola Girl appeared out of thin air, this time carrying a protest sign with a red slash through a Venus razor.  “Grab my hands, sisters, and let’s have a love-in for hair!  Kum bah yah, my lord!  Kum bah yah!”  She kept singing and swaying her dreads from side to side.  Ass, a sometimes fan of hair, joined in the spirit.  Clit was a bit more skeptical, however.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the Macrocosmic Mother’s head?  Why are you here?”

“Why am I here?  Yes, that is the grand question we all must ask ourselves.  El Punto G has asked herself that question.  Have you, dear sister Clit, ever asked yourself that question?”

“Mother tossed you down the drain again, huh?”

(awkward pause)

“Yes….BUT, I have turned it into an opportunity to defend the bush.  I am not leaving this pussy until all hairs are free to grow and flourish.  Razor burn is tyranny and injustice!  Join me now…Kum bah yah, my lord…”

All of a sudden, the ground started shaking.  Our heroines looked around in dismay, until they realized what was happening…”Orgasm!” they all screamed at once.

“Quick!” yelled Granola Girl, “grab onto a pubic hair!  It’ll be our only chance if El Punto squirts!  Hang on everyone!”

Granola Girl Disses Shaving

So I’m in the shower this morning, right, and I’m about to shave my bikini line, when “POOF”…this little hippie fairy appears on my shoulder out of nowhere.  She stank a little like wet dreads, but I immediately recognized her as my Inner Hippie, otherwise known as Granola Girl.

“Peace, my sister,” she said.  I was very relieved to be in the company of an inner voice that did NOT speak Chinese or call me Precious.  “What are you about to do with that vile instrument of hair destruction?”

“Shave…what do you think?”

“Shaving destroys our sacred hair…not to mention giving us razor burn!  Why do you persist in this unnatural act of self-abuse?”

“Sex, Granola Girl.  It’s all about sex!!!!  You know the hubbie prefers shaved armpits and legs, as well as a good trim on the old bush!  I get more pussy lickin’ if I’m slickin’.”

“Oh stop with the slang.  You know that annoys me.  You are not listening to the voice of follicle liberation!  Hair grows on our bodies for good reasons:  warmth, protection, sanitation…and braiding.  We must honor its presence!”

“Sanitation?  Have you smelled your dreads lately, sister?  You be one stinky little fairy!  I’ll keep my short hair, thank you very much!”

“We are in the shower.  What do you expect?  I had to rush to the scene and stop you from vandalizing your bikini line yet again!  If you’d just listen to me when we’re all herbal, then I wouldn’t have to get all wet.”

“I don’t have time to be herbal with you today.  I’m planning on getting my pussy licked, so scram!”  I tried shooing her away like an insect, but she stuck to the back of my hand with a squishy noise.  “Yuck!” I exclaimed, and then shook her off and down the drain.  “There’s tons of hair down there,  sister!”

She’ll be back the next time I’m plucking my eyebrows…just you wait and see!